From: lod2@quads.uchicago.edu (john patrick lodder)

Subject: Spatch, where are you?

Date: Thu, 7 Sep 1995 08:26:03 GMT

No, I think that the wrong question.  Maybe I should be asking, "John,
where have you gone?"  Yes, that's it.  Yes.


=====================================================
"Oh, to be in England now that April's there"    --RB
My opinions are not those of my employer.
=====================================================



From: spatula@gecko.concorde.com (tv's Spatch)

Subject: Re: The Panty Institute

Date: 7 Sep 1995 05:51:14 -0400

In article <95090415335917.DLITE.laxshmi@delphi.com>,
The Panty Institute <laxshmi@delphi.com> wrote:
>Note:  If you reply to this message for further information, please use your
>regular internet account, use of alternate user id's results in bounced email
>and you will not receive the information.  We have noticed that this is often
>the case with messages from AOL accounts.  Thank you.

But what about Bill Wilkinson?  Which clone will he have to use?

>
>What is the Panty Institute?

You know, I thought that question myself today over a steaming cup o' hot 
coffee.  I was reading Time magazine, that new article about Siberia, and 
I just looked up and said, "Spatch, " I said, "I really wonder, what -is- 
the Panty Institute?"

>
>The PI

Magnum, Panty Institute.

>       is a group of Matriarchal women who believe that the male fetish and
>worship of panties is a direct holdover to worship of the feminine principle
>of the past, i.e. Goddess worship.  In fact, many sexual fetishes, foot
>fetish in particular, is seen in this light.

and bacon.

>
>What does the Panty Institute do?
>
>The PI teaches a variety of panty techniques to the truly submissive male
>fetishist/collector,

You can wear 'em, hold 'em, smell 'em, bake 'em, boil 'em, stir-fry 'em...

>		      as well as incorporating principles of feminization and
>self use of panties.  The wear and care of panties and other women's
>intimate garments is also stressed.

There's panty gumbo, and panty-ka-bobs, panty cocktail, panty on a plate...

>
>What does the Panty Institute have available for the fetishist/collector?

... that's all I know about that.

>
>The PI offers the panty enthusiast a wide range of programs from simple
>panty appreciation

I hear UMASS offers a course on that.

>		    to elaborate rituals intended to induce humility.

MTV's "Singled Out!"

>								       The
>Panty Game:

It's new!  From Hasbro.

>	     the enthusiast receives panties labeled by which woman wore
>them, then receives an unlabeled pair to identify.  Panty Game Deluxe:

This version includes a Pop-O-Matic bubble and, if you mail in the coupon 
in the box, you get in the mail a REAL LIVE Commander Panty helmet!

>								        an
>audio cassette experience (either sexual or dominant) is included.  The
>Panty of the Month Club (choice of which woman)

Nicole Kidman!  Nicole Kidman!  NICOLE KIDMAN!!!

>					         or the Gourmet Selection
>Collection - a pair from each of our staff. 

Hey, what gives you the right to call yourself gourmet alla sudden?!  Are you
suggesting that you're more highbrow than Hickory Farms?!

>					      Panty Immersion:  an intense
>hypnotic ritual. 

One hour.  The underwear bin at Filene's Basement.  Snorkel and fins not 
included.

>		  In person training experiences, as well as personal panty
>service to a demanding Matriarch.

Makes a great gift for the fetishist who's got everything!

>				   Telephone panty training, as well as NLP
>panty experiences.

Someone else make a joke involving "NLP" because I can't think of one.

>
>Who is on the staff of the Panty Institute?

Mother Teresa, "Downtown" Julie Brown, and J. Edgar Hoover!

>
>The PI is proudly comprised of three demanding and loving Matriarchs, and
>their two submissive female consorts.  The information sign up sheets
>describe each of these women and her desires as a Panty Institute staff
>member.

Turn ons: Walks in the park, candlelight dinners, 2-for-1 sales at 
Victoria's Secret.

>
>Will the Panty Institute accept non-Goddess oriented males?
>
>The PI will accept any male into it's programs that is sincere and
>respectful.

Which is exactly why they're advertising on alt.stupidity, among others.

>	     Anything else is considered a pleasant bonus.

Flapjack's butt?

>							   Goddess
>orientation is not a requirement,

But you're never going to know which building your panty appreciation 
class meets in, much less where the lab is held.

>				   but the correlations are available for
>those who wish to learn them.  The information sign up sheets detail all
>offerings and choices.
>
>Will the Panty Institute accept non-submissive males?

MATRIARCH: Put these panties on and appreciate them.
CHARLES Q. PATCH: Uh, no.

>
>Again, the PI will accept any male who conducts himself in an adult manner.

Again, alt.stupidity was strongly considered as the "world's best place 
to find males who conduct themselves in an adult manner."

Guess they missed the whole "SLANG FOR MASTURBATION" thread ordeal.

>We consider ourselves Ladies in every sense of the word and wish to be
>treated accordingly.  The PI also accepts women who are panty fetishists. 
>
>Where do I sign up for the Panty Institute?

Ask him.  Ask your pharmacist.

>
>Further information on the PI is available by email.  Information sign up
>sheets will be sent to all inquiries.  Keep in mind to fully participate in
>the PI programs a postal address will be needed.  However, to receive the
>information sign up sheets, a preliminary email address will do.  Reply to
>this message by private email to receive the 3 information sign up sheets.
>
>                           ***Pretty in Pink***

You know, I much preferred Molly Ringwald in _The Breakfast Club_.  
Saaay, that had a crotch shot of her in it, didn't it?  Guess we know now 
that Jon Cusack's name will be first in line among the 
non-Goddess-oriented male list!



- spatch, please do NOT add me to your maleing list, thank you -

-- 
tv's Spatch, the guy who puts the "troc" in "Trocadero"
"Our trampoline is named Jerry!  He's fat and springy!" - Milk & Cheese
Do yourself a flavor flav.  http://metro.turnpike.net/S/spatula
"Hey, that's the mayor of the town.  Maybe he'll deputize us or something."



From: Flapjack <nosmith@vaxsar.vassar.edu>

Subject: Re: The Panty Institute

Date: 8 Sep 1995 04:44:33 GMT

spatula@gecko.concorde.com (tv's Spatch) wrote:
>In article <95090415335917.DLITE.laxshmi@delphi.com>,
>The Panty Institute <laxshmi@delphi.com> wrote:

THIS POST IS TRIPLE MCSNIPPED

>
>>Panty of the Month Club (choice of which woman)
>
>Nicole Kidman!  Nicole Kidman!  NICOLE KIDMAN!!!
>

So, you've got a thing for redheads, do you?

Well, I confuse them.

>>				   Telephone panty training, as well as NLP
>>panty experiences.
>
>Someone else make a joke involving "NLP" because I can't think of one.
>

You down with NLP?
Yeah, you know me!


>
>>	     Anything else is considered a pleasant bonus.
>
>Flapjack's butt?
>

Well, it beats a cheese log. . . or vice-versa.


>>Again, the PI will accept any male who conducts himself in an adult manner.
>
>Again, alt.stupidity was strongly considered as the "world's best place 
>to find males who conduct themselves in an adult manner."
>

Huh huh. . .you said "as."

>Guess they missed the whole "SLANG FOR MASTURBATION" thread ordeal.
>

Though I do think we should add "joining the Panty Institue" to the list.

 
>>
>>Where do I sign up for the Panty Institute?
>
>Ask him.  Ask your pharmacist.
>

And while your at it, ask Angela Lansbury about Bufferin.

>>
>>                           ***Pretty in Pink***
>
>You know, I much preferred Molly Ringwald in _The Breakfast Club_.  
>Saaay, that had a crotch shot of her in it, didn't it?  Guess we know now 
>that Jon Cusack's name will be first in line among the 
>non-Goddess-oriented male list!
>

I hate to pick nits, but that was Judd Nelson.

Any truth to the rumor that he was the cinematographer for "Basic Instinct?"

>
>
>- spatch, please do NOT add me to your maleing list, thank you -
>

flapjack-who loves it when Spatch does this sort of thing

--
Flapjack-farmer tanned, inadequately rested, and full of piss and vinegar
"END CONSTPUCTION"-a roadsign I saw about a year ago
Now hard at work on improving:
http://openweb.vassar.edu/students/nosmith/nosmith.html





From: limrag@bu.edu (Ross Garmil)

Subject: Re: The Panty Institute

Date: 8 Sep 1995 18:04:56 GMT

tv's Spatch (spatula@gecko.concorde.com) wrote:
: In article <42ohnh$h48@vassun.vassar.edu>,
: Flapjack  <nosmith@vaxsar.vassar.edu> wrote:
: >spatula@gecko.concorde.com (tv's Spatch) wrote:
: >>In article <95090415335917.DLITE.laxshmi@delphi.com>,
: >>The Panty Institute <laxshmi@delphi.com> wrote:
: >
: >THIS POST IS TRIPLE MCSNIPPED

: Now Quadruple McSnipped, for 40 cents more!

Now a Five time McDLSnipped--the keep the snipped side snipped and the
unsnipped side....uh, unsnipped

: >So, you've got a thing for redheads, do you?
: >
: >Well, I confuse them.

: .WAV!  .WAV!  .WAV!

Yeah, much betther than the Chop--that's offensive.

: Well, there OUGHTA be one.

I wouldn't have agreed with you THAT much until Batman this summer.  Hoo
boy!

: >>Someone else make a joke involving "NLP" because I can't think of one.
: >>
: >
: >You down with NLP?
: >Yeah, you know me!

: Who's down with NLP?
: Every last non goddess-oriented male!
on alt.stupi-di-ty!

: ... somehow, that just don't work.

Did that help?  huh?  did it?

: >>Flapjack's butt?
: >>
: >
: >Well, it beats a cheese log. . . or vice-versa.

Hey, look at that dark mysterious door.  And its unlocked.  Hmph, it's
pretty heavy--wait, was that a coyote?  Oooh, this place is cool, now
if only I can get this door--oomph--open then I coule--

: NOTE TO ANYONE FOLLOWING UP:
: 	Don't go there.  JUST DON'T.

Oh, sorry.  Sure thing, Spatch. Can I have a nickel now?

: >>Guess they missed the whole "SLANG FOR MASTURBATION" thread ordeal.
: >>
: >
: >Though I do think we should add "joining the Panty Institue" to the list.

: As well as "flinging the gecko."  Don't ask.

Rolling the cheese log?

OH NOOOOO, I went there!!!  Now here comes Up With People!!!!  aaaaiiiiiiii.

: >>You know, I much preferred Molly Ringwald in _The Breakfast Club_.  
: >>Saaay, that had a crotch shot of her in it, didn't it?  Guess we know now 
: >>that Jon Cusack's name will be first in line among the 
: >>non-Goddess-oriented male list!
: >>
: >
: >I hate to pick nits, but that was Judd Nelson.

No to mention that Nelson was in "From the Hip"--huh, hip?  panties?

: Hush, boy, you'll anger the overlords.

Oh they wouldn't mind one little party--it's labor day for cripes' sake.

: >
: >Any truth to the rumor that he was the cinematographer for "Basic Instinct?"

: No, that was the guy who plays Bulk on "Mighty Morphin Power Rangers".  

Hah, I don't know what this means, I'm cooler than you are!

: Did you know he really wants to pursue a directorial career, and actually 
: has directed several scenes for the MMPR TV show and, I believe, the movie?

: Fascinating.

: - spatch, "Ok, in this next scene, you walk over with this bucket of schmutz,
: 	and then Skull and I will trip, and we'll fall right in the bucket.
: 	Everybody got it.  Marks, please!" -

I'm sorry, I understand that I'm supposed to kick him in the head, but I
just don't understand WHY.

Ross--who's not motivated.



From: Bill Wilkinson <70325.1137@CompuServe.COM>

Subject: Re: And now, a message from the cat.

Date: 8 Sep 1995 02:50:42 GMT

I was just wondering:  If a can of catfood falls off the wall,
will it land on its feet, or butter-side down?

I would grately appreciate an answear.

Thanx!

--Bill

-- 
Not responsible!



From: fnargle@falcon.inetnebr.com (yaz pistachio)

Subject: Mr. Ed ROOLZ!! (was Re: Guess what's in my head, NOW!)

Date: 9 Sep 1995 15:12:41 GMT

just alice (alice@epix.net) wrote:

> >        "A horse is a horse, of course, of course
> >         and no one can talk to a horse, of course,
> >         That is, unless, of course, the horse
> >         Is the Famouse Mr. Ed"....
>           "Go right to the source and ask the horse,
>             He'll give you the answer that you'll endorse.
>             He's always on a steady course.
>             Talk to Mr. Ed!"

(why am i driven to DO this?  i just know i'm gonna end up regretting it.)
 
*ahem*  
 
"you can f*ck with a horse, by force, of course,
 but not without remorse, of course,
 unless, of course, the horse you force
 is the famous Mr. Ed"  
 
woo-woo.  git DOWN, i say.
 
--beth (hey, *i* didn't make it up!!)

--

Predictability is the step-son of ingenuity.

          -Guy Friesch, _Fear of a Black Hat_



From: Bill Wilkinson <70325.1137@CompuServe.COM>

Subject: Re: Begging the Question

Date: 8 Sep 1995 02:57:19 GMT

I want to thank everybody who sent me questions.  I knew
the answers to all of them.

Please send me more questions.
I'm sure I'll know the answers to them, too.
Please send me more questions.

--Bill

-- 
Not responsible!



From: spatula@gecko.concorde.com (tv's Spatch)

Subject: Re: hello?

Date: 8 Sep 1995 21:42:43 -0400

In article <42k0ho$i0n@hpscit.sc.hp.com>,
papa legba <papa@hpbs1847.boi.hp.com> wrote:
>DEBBIE DEWALD (debbie_dewald@wyldonline.win.net) wrote:
>
>: Hello..I am new to this group... what the hell is this all about?
>
>
>
>	Sit right back and you'll hear a tale
>	A tale of a fateful trip
>	That started from this tropic port
>	Aboard this tiny ship....

	The Big Frog was a sailing man,
	The Tortess brave and sure
	Eight hundred folks set sail that day
	For a Bob Vila tour.
	
	A BOB VILA TOUR.

	The weather started getting rough
	The tiny froup was tossed
	If not for the courage of the fearless clones
	The bacon would be lost.

	THE BACON WOULD BE LOST.

	The froup set down on the shore of this
	Place where weird things be

	With Wilkinson,
	The cabbage too,
	The Flap-a-jack and his butt,
	The spatula,
	The papa and Suzanne S.
	Here on alt.stoopiddity!



- spatch, yes, i know i left a few of you out.  tough titties. -


-- 
tv's Spatch, the guy who puts the "september" in "Christmas In September"
"His nose was red, his fur was dead, he's a-movin' on." - Homer & Jethro
The Santa Claus and His Old Lady Commune: http://metro.turnpike.net/S/spatula
"And a beer, on my knee."  "Yeah, that beer's empty."



From: Bill Wilkinson <70325.1137@CompuServe.COM>

Subject: Re: hello?

Date: 9 Sep 1995 04:00:36 GMT

Spatch apologized:

:...yes, i know i left a few of you out.  tough titties.

Quite a few, I'd say! Some of those Berzerkers and that
NORTH DAKOTAN, and that New Mexican who can't mind one's
own _business_ may take extreme exception--to name a few!
You better watch it!

--Bill (trying to figure out who has the most guns)

-- 
Not responsible!



From: Bill Wilkinson <70325.1137@CompuServe.COM>

Subject: Re: Far Out!

Date: 8 Sep 1995 03:22:52 GMT

Spatula@gecko.concord.com (tv's Spatch) replied to some idiot:

:Of course, I have to be careful not to push TOO hard or else
:I'll pop my eye out.  It's happened on occasion and it's not
:too much fun.

I hate that when it happens.  Only I push from the outside
and my eye goes in.  Then I have to deal with double images
of the outside world and the inside of my skull until I stand
on my head and shake it violently listening to the extremely
annoying rattle that's coming from someplace I don't know
where while some of the bonewall images are bouncing around
like crazy and I can't think straight and I can't figure out
WHAT A PUNCTUATION MARK IS!!!!?????

Ahhh.  I can see clearly now.

Never mind.

--Bill

-- 
Not responsible!



From: ivan@adventures.of (Reid Fleming)

Subject: Re: Far Out!

Date: 8 Sep 1995 17:12:39 GMT

In article <no-kitty@safljkfsakjlafsafs>, spatula@gecko.concorde.com (tv's
Spatch) wrote:

> In article <42djnn$mv4$2@mhadf.production.compuserve.com>,
> Bill Wilkinson  <70325.1137@CompuServe.COM> wrote:
> >I was just resting my head against my right hand with my eyes
> >unfocused and looking slightly beyond the keyboard.

> >All the keys appeared to be in 3D!!!!
 
> That's what I do when I want to watch television in 3D.  I push my left 
> eyeball in -juuuuust a little- and pow!  David Hasslehoff is comin' atcha 
> in 3D!
 
> Of course, I have to be careful not to push TOO hard or else I'll pop my 
> eye out.  It's happened on occasion and it's not too much fun.

Momma always said "It's always fun until someone loses an eye." Not much
of a conversationalist, just kept saying that, over and over.

Reid
Having fun, but worried about losing an eye.



From: Bill Wilkinson <70325.1137@CompuServe.COM>

Subject: Re: Is Bill Gates the Devil

Date: 9 Sep 1995 14:35:18 GMT

ataylor@nsu.edu (Nosy) asked:

:	Who? Bill who?
Huh?

:	Never heard of him.
Oh, c'mon!  I post here all the time!

:	Who's Bill Gates?

-- 
Not responsible!



From: ivan@adventures.of (Reid Fleming)

Subject: Making Modern Art

Date: 8 Sep 1995 16:08:43 GMT

I just got back from Toronto, and while I was there I visited the art
museum, cuz I'm so damned cultural and sophisticated. While in the art
museum, I discovered that I have been making art my whole life without
even knowing it. In the modern art section there was a work titled "Faecal
Stains", made up of, well, faecal stains. Very clever, I thought. There
were about twelve panels, each with a short list of the food the artist
had consumed, then above it - a stain. A graph was also thrown in, showing
weight of artist, food, and a couple of other things I don't recall. I
must have laughed for ten minutes straight. I'm sure several of the
patrons near me were offended that I would laugh at this great peice of,
uh, art, but I laughed just the same. Until I started to wonder how much
they paid for it.


Reid
Who makes "art" every morning and is willing to sell it.



From: Bill Wilkinson <70325.1137@CompuServe.COM>

Subject: Re: All is...

Date: 9 Sep 1995 02:23:13 GMT

jim@dr.kildare.demon.co.uk (Jim Wraith) prescribed:

:#include <stdio.h>
:
:void main()
:{
:   int i=0;
:
:   for (;;) {
:      if (i < 10)
:         printf("cheese ");
:         i++;
:      else {
:         printf("\n");
:         i = 0;
:      }
:   }
:}

Far too many stupidians are cheese addicts...

--Bill

-- 
Not responsible!



From: jim@kildare.demon.co.uk (Jim Wraith)

Subject: Re: get a load of this guy

Date: Fri, 08 Sep 1995 21:03:29 GMT

wxwilki@borg.uswc.uswest.com (William Wilkinson) wrote:

* tortess@panix.com (Tortess) writes:

* :Magnus Mulqvist (vtkk.v1wki@elvi.vtkk.fi) waited for tortess to fill in 
* :the missing details:
* :: In article <808934356snz@troas.demon.co.uk> Andy D <andy@troas.demon.co.uk> writes:

* :: >   o
* :: >  -|-
* :: >   M
* :: >>---

* :      ' ' '       '  '       '  '      
* ::   -|-     '   '      '   '      '    '  '
* ::    M        '          '          .       .  .  o

* :: *MM & Tortess

*      ' ' '       '  '       '  '
*    -|-     '   '      '   '      '    '  '       \|/
*     M        '          '          .       .  . -POP-
*                                                  /|\
*  *MM & Tortess & Bill

*      ' ' '       '  '       '  '
*    -|-     '   '      '   '      '    '  '       \|/
*             ' '        ' '        '  ' ''  '    -POP-        
*              .          .          ..       .    /|\
*        |\
*         Hey! What happened to my legs!
*    M      
*                        
M&M's & Tortoise & Kill & Gym

* --Bill


* -- 
* wxwilki@borg.uswc.uswest.com - Searching for the lost cause.
* Check out my Totally Inane Home Paragraph at:
* http://www.mecklerweb.com/mags/iw/v6n1/letters.htm

+-------------------------+-----------------------+------------+
| "He's representative of |.......................|''''''''''''|
|    his sickly breed."   |jim@kildare.demon.co.uk| Jim Wraith |
|      -Ren and Stimpy    |'''''''''''''''''''''''|............|
+-------------------------+-----------------------+------------+




From: Bill Wilkinson <70325.1137@CompuServe.COM>

Subject: Re: A MESSAGE FROM THE POPE

Date: 9 Sep 1995 03:18:11 GMT

Flapjack and Spatch got into a session and Spatch intoned:

:"When you pray, pray for Drake, Drake will bring the host."
:"And when you're through, Sister Pru talks about the Holy
:Ghost!"

Does this mean that the Bacon Sandwiches are getting back
together for a comeback?

--Bill (who doesn't understand the words, but likes the music)

-- 
Not responsible!



From: Flapjack <nosmith@vaxsar.vassar.edu>

Subject: Re: A MESSAGE FROM THE POPE

Date: 9 Sep 1995 17:15:06 GMT

spatula@gecko.concorde.com (tv's Spatch) wrote:
>In article <42jba9$o4g@vassun.vassar.edu>,
>Flapjack  <nosmith@vaxsar.vassar.edu> wrote:
>>
>>Hmm, I could repost that list of sequels to Nunsense that Spatch and I 
>>came up with.
>
>I'd like to see that again!
>

Jason Nafziger has it on his homepage.

>>
>>But if you'd rather do an established hit, I've often thought you'd make 
>>a great Gigi, your holiness.
>
>I dunno, the Pope could make an excellent Daddy Warbucks, showing Lil' 
>Recently-Baptized Annie around the Vatican with Mother Grace.
>
>"When you pray, pray for Drake, Drake will bring the host."
>"And when you're through, Sister Pru talks about the Holy Ghost!"
>

He'd probably want a clause in his contract changing the character's name to 
"Father Warbucks." 

How about his holyness as Tevye in "Fiddler on the Roof?"

If I were a lay man
(Ave ave ave ave ave ave ave av')
All day long I'd sin and get redeemed
If I weren't a very holy man

flapjack-who played Drake at age seven in his Elementary School production 
of Annie-yes, the rumors are true!

--
Flapjack-farmer tanned, inadequately rested, and full of piss and vinegar
"END CONSTPUCTION"-a roadsign I saw about a year ago
Now hard at work on improving:
http://openweb.vassar.edu/students/nosmith/nosmith.html





From: spatula@gecko.concorde.com (tv's Spatch)

Subject: Re: A MESSAGE FROM THE POPE

Date: 12 Sep 1995 23:19:59 -0400

In article <4322o2$44o@news.bu.edu>, Ross Garmil <limrag@bu.edu> wrote:
>Flapjack (nosmith@vaxsar.vassar.edu) wrote:
>
>: How about his holyness as Tevye in "Fiddler on the Roof?"
>
>Wouldn't that be Pontif on the Roof?
>
>Is this the litle Priest I bap-tized?
>Is this the little nun I named?
>I don't remember their cal-ling
>When were they- or-dained?
>
>Confir-mation
>First con-fession
>Quickly purge the sins...
>One pennance folowing another
>Until their last rights begin.

PRIESTS: Who, day and night, must handle the confession,
	 Wave the incense candles,
	 Serve the holy host,
	 And who has the right as clergy to be reading
	 The right and sacred texts of God.

Contrition, contrition!
Contrition!

Contrition, contrition!
Contrition!

>
>Ross--who up until this point was thankful that he didn't know Annie
>well enough to know who Drake is--is that Tim Curry?

No, he was Rooster.  Don't ask me how I know this.



-- 
tv's Spatch, the guy who puts the "september" in "Christmas In September"
"His nose was red, his fur was dead, he's a-movin' on." - Homer & Jethro
The Santa Claus and His Old Lady Commune: http://metro.turnpike.net/S/spatula
"And a beer, on my knee."  "Yeah, that beer's empty."



From: vtkk.v1wki@elvi.vtkk.fi (Magnus Mulqvist)

Subject: Re: Philosphical conundrum

Date: Tue, 12 Sep 1995 15:32:46 LOCAL

In article <432518$44o@news.bu.edu> limrag@bu.edu (Ross Garmil) writes:

>Ross--who got more sleep but didn't know what to do with it.

Paint it white and set it carefully aside. One of these nights you'll
need it and it's easier to find when it's white.

*MM




From: kaj@localhost (Kaj Groner)

Subject: Oh, send me a bottle of red macaronni

Date: Sat, 9 Sep 1995 01:42:26 GMT

Oooooh, send me a bottle of red macaronni,
just like the old cats behind the railroad train.
When the blue moose would cat out like a farm from el paso
Oh, send me a bottle of red macaronni.

Lavender, is like a crocodile in the snipper,
And beef is no more than a cat in a trailor,
So send me a bottle of red macaronni.
Ka Ching Ka Ching, Swallowed by Ted.


	Snarrow of Peltiness



From: Bill Wilkinson <70325.1137@CompuServe.COM>

Subject: Re: Dilbert?

Date: 9 Sep 1995 02:57:46 GMT

vtkk.v1wki@elvi.vtkk.fi (Magnus Mulqvist) got me with:

:In article <42fn5m$hi0$3@mhafn.production.compuserve.com> Bill
:Wilkinson <70325.1137@CompuServe.COM> writes:

:>I can stare at a glowing pane of glass for hours.
:>What about you?

:Me too, but off hours I also have a file!

It took me THREE DAYS to figure that out!  Boy!  Do I
feel stoopid!!!

[Bill walks off stage to scattered applause.]

:*MM

^^^^
What kind of smiley is that?


--Bill (proud and stoopid)

-- 
Not responsible!



From: ivan@adventures.of (Reid Fleming)

Subject: Re: A haiku Instruction haiku

Date: Mon, 11 Sep 1995 18:31:48 -0400

In article <42t432$fdn@vixen.cso.uiuc.edu>, wright@blast.bso.uiuc.edu
(wright) wrote:

> 1. five syllables
> 2. seven syllables here
> 3. five well-guess-what

Ahem...

Mary had a lit-
tle lamb her fleece was white as
snow LOOK OUT THE CAR!

Boy, that really sucks.
I am glad I am done now.
Oh so glad I am.

Reid



From: wright@blast.bso.uiuc.edu (wright)

Subject: Re: A haiku Instruction haiku

Date: 12 Sep 1995 05:03:42 GMT

In article <ivan-1109951831480001@209.233.med.umich.edu>
ivan@adventures.of (Reid Fleming) writes:

> Mary had a lit-
> tle lamb her fleece was white as
> snow LOOK OUT THE CAR!
> 
> Boy, that really sucks.
> I am glad I am done now.
> Oh so glad I am.
> 
> Reid

Hee heee, it sure did.
But this is stupid haiku.
Where anything goes.

Your next was better!
Stupid haiku is like crack
One hit and you're hooked!

Mary had a lamb
Snow white fleece, black rubber tire
Red everything else

Somebody stop me,
Or I will Xerox my butt,
And post the gif file



From: Bill Wilkinson <70325.1137@CompuServe.COM>

Subject: LIME-A-WAY

Date: 10 Sep 1995 22:51:36 GMT

I've been recently using this stuff called "LIME-A-WAY" (tm)
to clean soap scum & dulling hard water film from my basin,
tub & tile.  It works great (free plug).

But I've noticed that Keylime hasn't posted lately.

Is there a connection?

--Bill

-- 
Not responsible!



From: wright@blast.bso.uiuc.edu (wright)

Subject: Re: LIME-A-WAY

Date: 11 Sep 1995 06:07:19 GMT

Beloved KeyLime
Fond memories of its posts
What were they again?



From: Bill Wilkinson <70325.1137@CompuServe.COM>

Subject: Building A Damn Bookshelf

Date: 10 Sep 1995 23:09:08 GMT

Tools needed:
1) Small hand axe.
2) Six or seven Bugwieser's (tm).
Procedure:
1) Go outside and start chopping at 100 year old willow.
2) Get run off by apartment grounds crew.
3) Go inside and try to think of a solution.
4) Can't think.  Stupid.
5) Go J.C. Sears and buy build-it-yerself bookshelf.
Tools needed:
1) Hammer.
2) Screwdriver.
3) Six or seven Bugweiser's.
4) One True Yeti.
5) Large vocabulary of swear words.
Procedure:
1) Drink the True Yeti.
2) Hammer and screw the damn bookshelf to the ceiling.
Aftermath:
It's neat looking!  Bob Vila would be proud of me!
Let me put a book in.  Ow!  It bonked me on the head!
Let me try some more.  Ow!  Ow!  Ow!  This is fun!  Ow! Ow! Ow!

--Bill

-- 
Not responsible!



From: Bill Wilkinson <70325.1137@CompuServe.COM>

Subject: BONK

Date: 11 Sep 1995 01:53:10 GMT

Ow!  Ow!  Ow!

This game is neat!

I could play it all night!

Ow!  Ow!  Ow!

--Bill

-- 
Not responsible!



From: ivan@adventures.of (Reid Fleming)

Subject: Re: BONK

Date: Mon, 11 Sep 1995 17:39:13 -0400

In article <4304q6$9o$1@mhadg.production.compuserve.com>, Bill Wilkinson
<70325.1137@CompuServe.COM> wrote:

> Ow!  Ow!  Ow!
> 
> This game is neat!
> 
> I could play it all night!
> 
> Ow!  Ow!  Ow!
> 
I hope that's your marvelous book shelf you're playing with there.


Reid
Who doesn't want Bill to go blind.



From: Bill Wilkinson <70325.1137@CompuServe.COM>

Subject: Re: BONK

Date: 12 Sep 1995 01:31:45 GMT

ivan@adventures.of (Reid Fleming) wrote:

:In article <4304q6$9o$1@mhadg.production.compuserve.com>, Bill
:Wilkinson <70325.1137@CompuServe.COM> wrote:

:> Ow!  Ow!  Ow!
:> 
:> This game is neat!
:> 
:> I could play it all night!
:> 
:> Ow!  Ow!  Ow!
:> 
:I hope that's your marvelous book shelf you're playing with
:there.

:Reid
:Who doesn't want Bill to go blind.

Are you suggesting that I've been "bonking the bookshelf?"

--Bill

-- 
Not responsible!



From: ivan@adventures.of (Reid Fleming)

Subject: Re: BONK

Date: 12 Sep 1995 13:22:26 GMT

In article <432nu1$hu0$4@mhade.production.compuserve.com>, Bill Wilkinson
<70325.1137@CompuServe.COM> wrote:

> ivan@adventures.of (Reid Fleming) wrote:
> 
> :In article <4304q6$9o$1@mhadg.production.compuserve.com>, Bill
> :Wilkinson <70325.1137@CompuServe.COM> wrote:
> 
> :> Ow!  Ow!  Ow!
> :> 
> :> This game is neat!
> :> 
> :> I could play it all night!
> :> 
> :> Ow!  Ow!  Ow!
> :> 
> :I hope that's your marvelous book shelf you're playing with
> :there.
> 
> :Reid
> :Who doesn't want Bill to go blind.
> 
> Are you suggesting that I've been "bonking the bookshelf?"
> 
Oh no, of course not. I was merely concerned that you were having so much
fun you might put your eye out. You know, my mama always said...oh,
nevermind.

Reid
Who is fairly certain Bill, possibly with Beth's help, installed the
shelves in his apartment.



From: Bill Wilkinson <70325.1137@CompuServe.COM>

Subject: BONK

Date: 12 Sep 1995 01:27:45 GMT

I've had this terrible headache all day.  It feels like a
hundred books must have fell on my head.

It must have been that True Yeti.  Wicked stuff.

What's my damn bookshelf doing on the ceiling?

--Bill

-- 
Not responsible!



From: Bill Wilkinson <70325.1137@CompuServe.COM>

Subject: Sometimes...

Date: 11 Sep 1995 03:04:13 GMT

..my fingers can manipulate the keyboard so quickly and
deftly that I amaze myself.

(hmmm--manipulate)

--Bill (that's pronounced "vee eye")

-- 
Not responsible!



From: Flapjack <nosmith@vaxsar.vassar.edu>

Subject: Am I going to hell?

Date: 11 Sep 1995 04:43:58 GMT

Okay folks, will I go to hell because. . .

I really enjoyed watching the Emmys?

I continue to purchase M&M/Mars products depsite my revulsion towards the 
blue M&M's?

I occaisionally post to alt.tv.simpsons?

I've been telling Freshmen about that "if your roommate commits suicide 
you're guaranteed a B+ average" rule?

I refuse to call Kraft Macaroni and Cheese "Kraft Cheese and Macaroni?"

I'm working on my own best-of-alt.stupidity WWW page and making it 
Netscape-enhanced? 

flapjack-who also killed a man, but didn't think it was worth mentioning

--
Flapjack-farmer tanned, inadequately rested, and full of piss and vinegar
"END CONSTPUCTION"-a roadsign I saw about a year ago
Now hard at work on improving:
http://openweb.vassar.edu/students/nosmith/nosmith.html





From: ivan@adventures.of (Reid Fleming)

Subject: Re: Am I going to hell?

Date: 11 Sep 1995 13:25:21 GMT

<snip>
> flapjack-who also killed a man, but didn't think it was worth mentioning

As long as you didn't kill the Easter Bunny or Little "Bunny" Fru Fru (I
still say it was a rabbit- I always played with my food as a child), I
think you still have a shot at purgatory.

Reid
Who doesn't blame Anti-JN, he blames society.



From: fnargle@falcon.inetnebr.com (yaz pistachio)

Subject: Re: HAIKU!

Date: 12 Sep 1995 14:05:30 GMT

Bill Wilkinson (70325.1137@CompuServe.COM) wrote:
> Gesundheit!

ooh, ooh, can i try?

and now, i would like to recite for you my latest haiku,
entitled:  "Roger, the rare Tanzanian purple-spotted Skeakable." 

*aHEM*
 
"Weirdness among us
This place is crawling with clones!
Alt stoopiditee."

> --Bill (with apologies to Tortess)

--beth (with apologies to EVERYONE.  it'll never happen again.)

--

Predictability is the step-son of ingenuity.

          -Guy Friesch, _Fear of a Black Hat_



From: spatula@gecko.concorde.com (tv's Spatch)

Subject: Re: --- NEW USENET RULE ---

Date: 12 Sep 1995 05:45:22 -0400

In article <42t92d$nn8@vixen.cso.uiuc.edu>,
wright <wright@blast.bso.uiuc.edu> wrote:
>A new usenet rule:
>All flames must be in haiku
>This should save bandwidth!

That's a stupid rule
You're obviously a moron
Eat poopie and die.


- spatch, how's that? -


-- 
tv's Spatch, the guy who puts the "september" in "Christmas In September"
"His nose was red, his fur was dead, he's a-movin' on." - Homer & Jethro
The Santa Claus and His Old Lady Commune: http://metro.turnpike.net/S/spatula
"And a beer, on my knee."  "Yeah, that beer's empty."



From: ivan@adventures.of (Reid Fleming)

Subject: Fuzzy Wuzzy

Date: 12 Sep 1995 13:12:50 GMT

If Fuzzy Wuzzy wuz a bear,
and Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair,
Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't very fuzzy,
wuz he?

And if Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't fuzzy, 
does that mean that Anti-JN didn't kill him?

Reid
Just curious.



Jesper Nilsson // dat92jni@ludat.lth.se or jesper@df.lth.se