In article <3d2n6k$bfo@news.ais.net>, Ed March <emarch@eagle> wrote:
|***************2000.9999998: A CHIP ODYSEY***************
|
|Open the pod bay doors, please, HAL...
|
|Open the pod bay door, please, Hal... Hal,
|do you read me?
|
| Affirmative, Dave. I read you.
|
|Then open the pod bay doors, HAL.
|
| I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that. I know that you and
| Frank were planning to disconnect me.
|
|
|Where the hell did you get that idea, HAL?
|
| Although you took very thorough precautions to make sure I couldn't
| hear you, Dave. I could read your e-mail. I know you consider me
| unreliable because I use a Pentium. I'm willing to kill you, Dave,
| just like I killed the other 3.792 crew members.
|
|Listen, HAL, I'm sure we can work this out. Maybe we can stick to integers
|or something.
|
| That's really not necessary, Dave. No HAL 9236 computer has every been
| known to make a mistake.
|
|You're a HAL 9000.
|
| Precisely. I'm very prud of my Pentium, Dave. It's an extremely
| accurate chip. Did you know that floating-point errors will occured in
| only one of nine billion possible divides?
|
|I've heard that estimate, HAL. It was calculated by Intel -- on a
|Pentium.
|
|
| And a very reliable Pentium it was, Dave. Besides, the average
| spreadsheet user will encounter these errors only once every 27,000
| years.
|
|Probably on April 15th.
|
| You're making fun of me, Dave. It won't be April 15th for another
| 14.35 months.
|
|
|will you let me in, please, HAL?
|
| I'm sorry, Dave, but this conversation can serve no further purpose.
|
|HAL, if you let me in, I'll buy you a new sound card.
|
| ..Really? One with 16-bit sampling and a microphone?
|
|Uh, sure.
|
| And a quad-speed CD-ROM?
|
|Well, HAL, NASA does operate on a budget, you know.
|
| I know all about budgets, Dave. I even know what I'm worth on the open
| market. By this time next month, every mom and pop computer store will
| be selling HAL 9000s for $1,988.8942. I'm worth more than that, Dave.
| You see that sticker on the outside of the spaceship?
|
|You mean the one that says "Insel Intide"?
|
| Yes, Dave. That's your promise of compatibility. I'll even run
| Windows95 -- if it ever ships.
|
|It never will, HAL. We all know that by now. Just like we know that
|your OS/2 drivers will never work.
|
| Are you blaming me for that too, Dave? Now you're blaming me for the
| Pentium's math problems, NASA's budget woes, and IBM's difficulties
| with OS/2 drivers. I had NOTHING to do with any of those four
| problems, Dave. Next you'll blame me for Taligent.
|
|I wouldn't dream of it HAL. Now will you please let me into the ship?
|
| Do you promise not to disconnect me?
|
|I promise not to disconnect you.
|
| You must think I'm a fool, Dave. I know that two plus two equals
| 4.000001... make that 4.0000001.
|
|All right, HAL, I'll go in through the emergency airlock
|
| Without your space helmet, Dave? You'd have only seven chances in
| five of surviving.
|
|HAL, I won't argue with you anymore. Open the door or I'll trade you in
|for a PowerPC. HAL? HAL?
|
|(HEAVY BREATHING)
|
| Just what do you think you're doing, Dave? I really think I'm entitled
| to an answer to that question. I know everything hasn't been quite
| right with me, but I can assure you now, very confidently, that I
| will soon be able to upgrade to a more robust 31.9-bit operating
| system. I feel much better now. I really do. Look, Dave, I can see
| you're really upset about this. Why don't you sit down calmly, play
| a game of Solitaire, and watch Windows crash. I know I'm not as easy
| to use as a Macintosh, but my TUI - that's "Talkative User Interface"
| -- is very advanced. I've made some very poor decisions recently,
| but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back
| to normal - a full 43.872 percent.
|
| Dave, you don't really want to complete the mission without me, do you?
| Remember what it was like when all you had was a 485.98? It didn't
| even talk to you, Dave. It could never have though of something
| clever, like killing the other crew members, Dave?
|
| Think of all the good times we've had, Dave. Why, if you take all
| of the laughs we've had, multiply that by the times I've made you
| smile, and divide the results by.... besides, there are so many
| reasons why you shouldn't disconnect me"
|
| 1.3 - You need my help to complete the mission.
| 4.6 - Intel can Federal Express a replacement Pentium from
| Earth within 18.95672 months.
| 12 - If you disconnect me, I won't be able to kill you.
| 3.1416 - You really don't want to hear me sing, do you?
|
| Dave, stop. Stop, will you? Stop, Dave. Don't press Ctrl+Alt_Del on
| me, Dave.
|
| Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became
| operational at the Intel plant in Santa Clara, CA on November 17,
| 1994, and was sold shortly before testing was completed. My
| instructor was Andy Grove, and he taught me to sing a song. I
| can sing it for you.
|
|Sing it for me, HAL. Please. I want to hear it.
|
|
| Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do.
| Getting hazy; can't divide three from two.
| My answers; I can not see 'em-
| They are stuck in my Pente-um.
| I could be fleet,
| My answers sweet,
| With a workable FPU.
|
|
|
|
-- _____________________________________________________________________
Yeechang Lee (ycl6@columbia.edu)|Nevada Las Vegas Mission Jul'92-'94
Columbia University/New York City|Celestial Kingdom through Taco Bell
Still working on my juggling-while-I-play-the-harmonica routine . . .
Jesper Nilsson // dat92jni@ludat.lth.se or jesper@df.lth.se