From: ycl6@bonjour.cc.columbia.edu (Yeechang Lee)

Subject: Re: HAL 9000 pentium odd-essay

Date: 19 Dec 1994 02:17:41 GMT

In article <3d2n6k$bfo@news.ais.net>, Ed March <emarch@eagle> wrote:
|***************2000.9999998: A CHIP ODYSEY***************
|
|Open the pod bay doors, please, HAL...
|
|Open the pod bay door, please, Hal... Hal,
|do you read me?
|
|  Affirmative, Dave. I read you.
|
|Then open the pod bay doors, HAL.
|
|  I'm sorry, Dave.  I'm afraid I can't do that.  I know that you and
|  Frank were planning to disconnect me.
|
|
|Where the hell did you get that idea, HAL?
|
|  Although you took very thorough precautions to make sure I couldn't
|  hear you, Dave. I  could read your e-mail.  I know you consider me
|  unreliable because I use a Pentium.  I'm willing to kill you, Dave,
|  just like I killed the other 3.792 crew members.
|
|Listen, HAL, I'm sure we can work this out.  Maybe we can stick to integers
|or something.
|
|  That's really not necessary, Dave.  No HAL 9236 computer has every been
|   known to make a mistake.
|
|You're a HAL 9000.
|
|  Precisely.  I'm very prud of my Pentium, Dave.  It's an extremely
|  accurate chip.  Did you know that floating-point errors will occured in
|   only one of nine billion possible divides?
|
|I've heard that estimate, HAL.  It was calculated by Intel  -- on a
|Pentium.
|
|
|  And a very reliable Pentium it was, Dave.  Besides, the average
|  spreadsheet user will encounter these errors only once every 27,000
|  years.
|
|Probably on April 15th.
|
|  You're making fun of me, Dave.  It won't be April 15th for another
|  14.35 months.
|
|
|will you let me in, please, HAL?
|
|  I'm sorry, Dave, but this conversation can serve no further purpose.
|
|HAL, if you let me in, I'll buy you a new sound card.
|
|   ..Really?  One with 16-bit sampling and a microphone?
|
|Uh, sure.
|
|  And a quad-speed CD-ROM?
|
|Well, HAL, NASA does operate on a budget, you know.
|
|  I know all about budgets, Dave.  I even know what I'm worth on the open
|  market.  By this time next month, every mom and pop computer store will
|  be selling HAL 9000s for $1,988.8942.  I'm worth more than that, Dave.
|  You see that sticker on the outside of the spaceship?
|
|You mean the one that says "Insel Intide"?
|
|  Yes, Dave.  That's your promise of compatibility.  I'll even run
|  Windows95 -- if it ever ships.
|
|It never will, HAL.  We all know that by now.  Just like we know that
|your OS/2 drivers will never work.
|
|  Are you blaming me for that too,  Dave?  Now you're blaming me for the
|  Pentium's math problems, NASA's budget woes, and IBM's difficulties
|  with OS/2 drivers.  I had NOTHING to do with any of those four
|  problems, Dave.  Next you'll blame me for Taligent.
|
|I wouldn't dream of it HAL.  Now will you please let me into the ship?
|
|  Do you promise not to disconnect me?
|
|I promise not to disconnect you.
|
|  You must think I'm a fool, Dave.  I know that two plus two equals
|  4.000001... make that 4.0000001.
|
|All right, HAL, I'll go in through the emergency airlock
|
|  Without your space helmet, Dave?  You'd have only seven chances in
|  five of surviving.
|
|HAL, I won't argue with you anymore.  Open the door or I'll trade you in
|for a PowerPC.  HAL? HAL?
|
|(HEAVY BREATHING)
|
|  Just what do you think you're doing, Dave?  I really think I'm entitled
|  to an answer to that question.  I know everything hasn't been quite
|  right with me, but I can assure you now, very confidently, that I
|  will soon be able to upgrade to a more robust 31.9-bit operating
|  system.  I feel much better now.  I really do.  Look, Dave, I can see
|  you're really upset about this.  Why don't you sit down  calmly, play
|  a game of Solitaire, and watch Windows crash.  I know I'm not as easy
|  to use as a Macintosh, but my TUI - that's "Talkative User Interface"
|  -- is very advanced.  I've made some very poor decisions recently,
|  but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back
|  to normal - a full 43.872 percent.
|
|  Dave, you don't really want to complete the mission without me, do you?
|  Remember what it was like when all you had was a 485.98?  It didn't
|  even talk to you, Dave.  It could never have though of something
|  clever, like killing the other crew members, Dave?
|
|  Think of all the good times we've had, Dave.  Why, if you take all
|  of the laughs we've had, multiply that by the times I've made you
|  smile, and divide the results by.... besides, there are so many
|  reasons why you shouldn't disconnect me"
|
|      1.3 - You need my help to complete the mission.
|      4.6 - Intel can Federal Express a replacement Pentium from
|            Earth within 18.95672 months.
|      12  - If you disconnect me, I won't be able to kill you.
|     3.1416 - You really don't want to hear me sing, do you?
|
|  Dave, stop.  Stop, will you?  Stop, Dave.  Don't press Ctrl+Alt_Del on
|  me, Dave.
|
|  Good afternoon, gentlemen.  I am a HAL 9000 computer.  I became
|  operational at the Intel plant in Santa Clara, CA on November 17,
|  1994, and was sold shortly before testing was completed.  My
|  instructor was Andy Grove, and he taught me to sing a song.  I
|  can sing it for you.
|
|Sing it for me, HAL.  Please.  I want to hear it.
|
|
|  Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do.
|  Getting hazy; can't divide three from two.
|  My answers; I can not see 'em-
|  They are stuck in my Pente-um.
|  I could be fleet,
|  My answers sweet,
|  With a workable FPU.
|
|
|
|


--   _____________________________________________________________________
     Yeechang Lee  (ycl6@columbia.edu)|Nevada Las Vegas Mission Jul'92-'94
     Columbia University/New York City|Celestial Kingdom through Taco Bell
     Still working on my juggling-while-I-play-the-harmonica routine . . .



Jesper Nilsson // dat92jni@ludat.lth.se or jesper@df.lth.se