If Cheese were illegal in America instead of Drugs, the world would be a WHOLE lot different: -There would be the Cheese Enforcement Agency (C.E.A.). -There would be the Columbian Cheese Lords who would hire x-Nam pilots to smuggle cheese into the U.S. -Kraft and others would come up with a synthetic cheese, that is JUST like the real thing, man. -Cheech and Chong movies would be even funnier because they would "grow their own" by toting a cow everywhere. -"Man, that is some killer cheese!" -"Little Jimmy tried to be cool and fell to the pressures of peers. He just had to try it, and the next thing we knew he was eating Cheese & Crackers and Cheese Sandwiches. He didn't care about anyone else but himself and his cheese. Then <sob> then we found him in the kitchen and <sob sob> he was lying there with those American Slices of cheese littered all over the floor. All those empty, crinkled wrappers <sob sob sob> ---the doctors said that his arteries were clogged with <sob> with <sob sob> cheese!" ---expose on 20/30, "Cheese and Your Children" -All fast food places would charge extra for LETTUCE instead of cheese. -Instead of saying something was "cheesy", one would say something was "druggy". -"This is your brain. This is cheese. This is your brain on cheese. Any questions?" -There would be organizations such as The Partnership for a Cheese-Free America. -"Okay, everybody, everybody listen up. Stay away from the Brown Swiss. We've got some really bad cheese goin' around here. So just stay away from the Brown Swiss." ---clip from the film "Woodstock" 1968 -"Just say No to Cheese." "Bears against Cheese." "Rock against Cheese." and other lingo slogans would appear. -Al Pacino would have starred as "Cheeseface", but the great ending would have still been there: "C'mon, jou muddafuckas, C'mon!" -"Stay down! Stay down!" "I am, man!" "You got anything in your pockets?" "No, man, no." "Then what's this! Ahh! A pack of string-cheese and a wad of bills, huh. What were doin' buddy? Were you sellin' this stuff to kids?" "No, man, no." "We're taking you in." --------------------- "Yeah, you know you see a lot of this on the streets. Guys selling this string-cheese stuff to kids! Kids! Well, this guy's gonna get what's comin' to him. Spend a lot of time in jail thinking about what he's done." ---segment from the TV show "COPS"
In article <3go9v7$4pk@cabell.vcu.edu>, Phil D. Ford <pford@cabell.vcu.edu> wrote: > >If Cheese were illegal in America instead of Drugs, the world >would be a WHOLE lot different: > >-Kraft and others would come up with a synthetic cheese, that > is JUST like the real thing, man. You misspelled "Velveeta". Hope this helps. SCENE: Kid in "Phillies Cream" t-shirt in his bedroom. Father comes in holding a long, thin cardboard box. DAD: Son, is this your cheese? [ KID takes off his earphones and stares. ] DAD: Where did you get this? KID: Dad, I can explai - DAD (interrupting): Answer me! Who taught you to eat this stuff? KID: YOU, ALL RIGHT?! I LEARNED IT BY WATCHING YOU!!! [ DAD goes into self-reflective mode as he remembers that moment with the crackerbarrel ] ANNOUNCE: Parents who eat cheese... have children who eat cheese. TITLE: Paid for by Citizens for a Cheese-Free America - spatch, this is SCARY!!! - -- tv's Spatch, RATM's wacky next-door neighbour - Will eat for food This Green Card .sig is here to piss off Canter and Siegel. "Yeah, but bacon tastes good!" - John Travolta When you say it, it's immature - but when I say it, it's innuendo.
In some bacon article spatula@unicorn.dorm.umd.edu stated: >In article <3go9v7$4pk@cabell.vcu.edu>, >Phil D. Ford <pford@cabell.vcu.edu> wrote: >> >>If Cheese were illegal in America instead of Drugs, the world >>would be a WHOLE lot different: >> >>-Kraft and others would come up with a synthetic cheese, that >> is JUST like the real thing, man. > >You misspelled "Velveeta". Hope this helps. > >SCENE: Kid in "Phillies Cream" t-shirt in his bedroom. Father comes in > holding a long, thin cardboard box. > >DAD: Son, is this your cheese? > >[ KID takes off his earphones and stares. ] > >DAD: Where did you get this? > >KID: Dad, I can explai - > >DAD (interrupting): Answer me! Who taught you to eat this stuff? > >KID: YOU, ALL RIGHT?! I LEARNED IT BY WATCHING YOU!!! > >[ DAD goes into self-reflective mode as he remembers that moment with > the crackerbarrel ] > >ANNOUNCE: Parents who eat cheese... have children who eat cheese. > >TITLE: Paid for by Citizens for a Cheese-Free America Have you ever tried some Danish Blue Cheese? Here, have a try. No charge. *evil laughter* >- spatch, this is SCARY!!! - /^JN - The Anti JN - I have seen the true Cheesyeti. -- ######## <A HREF="http://www.df.lth.se/~jesper/">Anti homepage</A> ######### # The Anti-JN Deluxe! Kill the fluffy ones!!! "What's up Bacon?" # # Jesper Nilsson -- dat92jni@ludat.lth.se || jesper@df.lth.se # ############## I've heard of UNIseX, but I've never had it. ################
Well, Switzerland would lose the neutrality. They would be led by a tyrannical dictator named "Gunther" who secretly sells cheese in order to obtain money to provide weapons for the Swiss Contra's. Armed with gigantic Army Knives, they would create an international cheese cartel that would send illegal bootleg cheese to all decent cheese fearing countries. The French would also join the cartel, and begin the ardous challenge of producing loads of Camenbert to be shipped to the America's. Germany would have zero luck in their illegal cheese making activities, as all of the illegal Limburger distilleries would be easily discovered by Interpol agents with extraordinary senses of smell. In the United States, Montpelier Vermont would become the New England equivilent of South Central L.A. The downtrodden citizens of Vermont begin to freebase cheddar, or to use the street phrase: E-Z Cheeze. When inhaled, the so called "E-Z Cheeze" causes the user to experience a natural high like no other, until he begins to suffocate from the enormous amount of cheese he inserted into his nasal passages. In our nation's capital, Washington D.C. mayor Marion Barry is found smoking Gouda with a cheese pipe in his offices. The F.D.A. enforcers also discover large amounts of the afore mentioned Cheddar, Gouda, Swiss, and the cheapest, most dangerous cheese of all: American. The various cheeses were found buried in a bin underneath some newly legalized crack cocaine. Barry is expected to receive the death penalty, and is to be killed by ravenous dogs after he is rubbed with bacon. The F.D.A. is granted new power, and substantial manpower of the DEA is relocated to the FDA. Arrests of illegal cheesemaker's are up a shocking 42%. Unfortunately, the number of cheese overdoese is up an even more shocking 65%. Anti-cheese commercials are made daily. The afore mentioned "I learned it by watching you!" commercial is in high circulation. Also, the commercial "Nobody ever says 'I want to be a cheesehead when I grow up'" is seen at least six times a day by American citizens, 8 times in Wisconsin. South American countries rapidly take their place in the United Nations by filling the gaps left by the Swiss, German, and French. They vow to aid the war on cheese in whatever way they can. In an act of sheer stupidity and kindness, Clinton gives back the Panama Canal to Panamanian President Manuel Noriega. After this deal, the question on everybody's lips is "Geez. Has he been smokin' cheese?" And finally, the celebrity community feels the pain of cheese overdoses as famed comedians Carrot Top, Yahoo Serious, and Gallagher are found dead of cheese overdoses in an inner city Seabrook New Hampshire cheesehaus. They were found with mass amounts of cheese in their bloodstreams. Carrot Top was the most shocking death, as for years he had maintained the lie that he was lactose intolerant. Yet he was found with one pound of Seabrook Fission Cheese in his goodie bag. It was hidden in a Wendy's bag, the very staple of his career. THUS ENDETH THE ARTICLE. pete..remember...friends don't let friends cheese and drive..
Jesper Nilsson // dat92jni@ludat.lth.se or jesper@df.lth.se