From: pford@cabell.vcu.edu (Phil D. Ford)

Subject: If Cheese were illegal....

Date: 1 Feb 1995 10:39:19 -0500

If Cheese were illegal in America instead of Drugs, the world
would be a WHOLE lot different:

-There would be the Cheese Enforcement Agency (C.E.A.).

-There would be the Columbian Cheese Lords who would hire
 x-Nam pilots to smuggle cheese into the U.S.

-Kraft and others would come up with a synthetic cheese, that
 is JUST like the real thing, man.

-Cheech and Chong movies would be even funnier because they 
 would "grow their own" by toting a cow everywhere.

-"Man, that is some killer cheese!"

-"Little Jimmy tried to be cool and fell to the pressures of peers.
  He just had to try it, and the next thing we knew he was eating
  Cheese & Crackers and Cheese Sandwiches.  He didn't care about 
  anyone else but himself and his cheese.  Then <sob> then we
  found him in the kitchen and <sob sob> he was lying there with
  those American Slices of cheese littered all over the floor.
  All those empty, crinkled wrappers <sob sob sob> ---the doctors
  said that his arteries were clogged with <sob> with <sob sob>
  cheese!"
   ---expose on 20/30, "Cheese and Your Children"

-All fast food places would charge extra for LETTUCE instead of
 cheese.

-Instead of saying something was "cheesy", one would say something
 was "druggy".

-"This is your brain.  This is cheese.  This is your brain on
  cheese.  Any questions?"

-There would be organizations such as The Partnership for a 
 Cheese-Free America.

-"Okay, everybody, everybody listen up.  Stay away from the 
 Brown Swiss.  We've got some really bad cheese goin' around
 here.  So just stay away from the Brown Swiss."
  ---clip from the film "Woodstock" 1968

-"Just say No to Cheese."  "Bears against Cheese."  "Rock against
 Cheese." and other lingo slogans would appear.

-Al Pacino would have starred as "Cheeseface", but the great ending
 would have still been there:  "C'mon, jou muddafuckas, C'mon!"

-"Stay down!  Stay down!"
 "I am, man!"
 "You got anything in your pockets?"
 "No, man, no."
 "Then what's this!  Ahh!  A pack of string-cheese and a wad of bills,
  huh.  What were doin' buddy?  Were you sellin' this stuff to kids?"
  "No, man, no."
  "We're taking you in."
  ---------------------
  "Yeah, you know you see a lot of this on the streets.  Guys selling
  this string-cheese stuff to kids!  Kids!  Well, this guy's gonna
  get what's comin' to him.  Spend a lot of time in jail thinking
  about what he's done."
   ---segment from the TV show "COPS"



From: spatula@unicorn.dorm.umd.edu (Spatch)

Subject: Re: If Cheese were illegal....

Date: 2 Feb 1995 22:31:04 -0500

In article <3go9v7$4pk@cabell.vcu.edu>,
Phil D. Ford <pford@cabell.vcu.edu> wrote:
>
>If Cheese were illegal in America instead of Drugs, the world
>would be a WHOLE lot different:
>
>-Kraft and others would come up with a synthetic cheese, that
> is JUST like the real thing, man.

You misspelled "Velveeta".  Hope this helps.

SCENE: Kid in "Phillies Cream" t-shirt in his bedroom.  Father comes in
	holding a long, thin cardboard box.

DAD: Son, is this your cheese?

[ KID takes off his earphones and stares. ]

DAD: Where did you get this?

KID: Dad, I can explai -

DAD (interrupting): Answer me!  Who taught you to eat this stuff?

KID: YOU, ALL RIGHT?!  I LEARNED IT BY WATCHING YOU!!!

[ DAD goes into self-reflective mode as he remembers that moment with
	the crackerbarrel ]

ANNOUNCE: Parents who eat cheese... have children who eat cheese.

TITLE: Paid for by Citizens for a Cheese-Free America



- spatch, this is SCARY!!! -

-- 
tv's Spatch, RATM's wacky next-door neighbour - Will eat for food
This Green Card .sig is here to piss off Canter and Siegel.
"Yeah, but bacon tastes good!" - John Travolta
When you say it, it's immature - but when I say it, it's innuendo.



From: dat92jni@ludat.lth.se (Anti JN)

Subject: Re: If Cheese were illegal....

Date: 4 Feb 1995 09:44:15 GMT

In some bacon article spatula@unicorn.dorm.umd.edu stated:
>In article <3go9v7$4pk@cabell.vcu.edu>,
>Phil D. Ford <pford@cabell.vcu.edu> wrote:
>>
>>If Cheese were illegal in America instead of Drugs, the world
>>would be a WHOLE lot different:
>>
>>-Kraft and others would come up with a synthetic cheese, that
>> is JUST like the real thing, man.
>
>You misspelled "Velveeta".  Hope this helps.
>
>SCENE: Kid in "Phillies Cream" t-shirt in his bedroom.  Father comes in
>	holding a long, thin cardboard box.
>
>DAD: Son, is this your cheese?
>
>[ KID takes off his earphones and stares. ]
>
>DAD: Where did you get this?
>
>KID: Dad, I can explai -
>
>DAD (interrupting): Answer me!  Who taught you to eat this stuff?
>
>KID: YOU, ALL RIGHT?!  I LEARNED IT BY WATCHING YOU!!!
>
>[ DAD goes into self-reflective mode as he remembers that moment with
>	the crackerbarrel ]
>
>ANNOUNCE: Parents who eat cheese... have children who eat cheese.
>
>TITLE: Paid for by Citizens for a Cheese-Free America

Have you ever tried some Danish Blue Cheese?

Here, have a try. No charge. *evil laughter*

>- spatch, this is SCARY!!! -

/^JN - The Anti JN - I have seen the true Cheesyeti.
-- 
########  <A HREF="http://www.df.lth.se/~jesper/">Anti homepage</A>  #########
#  The Anti-JN Deluxe!      Kill the fluffy ones!!!      "What's up Bacon?"  #
#       Jesper Nilsson -- dat92jni@ludat.lth.se || jesper@df.lth.se          #
##############  I've heard of UNIseX, but I've never had it.  ################



From: goody@titan.oit.umass.edu (Peter A Goodrich)

Subject: Re: If Cheese were illegal....

Date: 3 Feb 1995 19:55:08 GMT

  Well, Switzerland would lose the neutrality.  They would be led by a 
tyrannical dictator named "Gunther" who secretly sells cheese in order to 
obtain money to  provide weapons for the Swiss Contra's.  Armed with 
gigantic Army Knives, they would create an international cheese cartel 
that would send illegal bootleg cheese to all decent cheese fearing 
countries.

  The French would also join the cartel, and begin the ardous challenge 
of producing loads of Camenbert to be shipped to the America's.

  Germany would have zero luck in their illegal cheese making activities, 
as all of the illegal Limburger distilleries would be easily discovered 
by Interpol agents with extraordinary senses of smell.

  In the United States, Montpelier Vermont would become the New England 
equivilent of South Central L.A.  The downtrodden citizens of Vermont 
begin to freebase cheddar, or to use the street phrase: E-Z Cheeze.  When 
inhaled, the so called "E-Z Cheeze" causes the user to experience a 
natural high like no other, until he begins to suffocate from the 
enormous amount of cheese he inserted into his nasal passages.

  In our nation's capital, Washington D.C. mayor Marion Barry is found 
smoking Gouda with a cheese pipe in his offices.  The F.D.A. enforcers 
also discover large amounts of the afore mentioned Cheddar, Gouda, Swiss, 
and the cheapest, most dangerous cheese of all: American.  The various 
cheeses were found buried in a bin underneath some newly legalized 
crack cocaine.  Barry is expected to receive the death penalty, and is to 
be killed by ravenous dogs after he is rubbed with bacon.

  The F.D.A. is granted new power, and substantial manpower of the DEA 
is relocated to the FDA.  Arrests of illegal cheesemaker's are up a 
shocking 42%.  Unfortunately, the number of cheese overdoese is up an 
even more shocking 65%.  

  Anti-cheese commercials are made daily.  The afore mentioned "I learned 
it by watching you!" commercial is in high circulation.  Also, the 
commercial "Nobody ever says 'I want to be a cheesehead when I grow up'" 
is seen at least six times a day by American citizens, 8 times in Wisconsin.

  South American countries rapidly take their place in the United Nations 
by filling the gaps left by the Swiss, German, and French.  They vow to 
aid the war on cheese in whatever way they can.  In an act of sheer 
stupidity and kindness, Clinton gives back the Panama Canal to Panamanian 
President Manuel Noriega.  After this deal, the question on everybody's 
lips is "Geez.  Has he been smokin' cheese?"

  And finally, the celebrity community feels the pain of cheese overdoses 
as famed comedians Carrot Top, Yahoo Serious, and Gallagher are found 
dead of cheese overdoses in an inner city Seabrook New Hampshire 
cheesehaus.  They were found with mass amounts of cheese in their 
bloodstreams.  Carrot Top was the most shocking death, as for years he had 
maintained the lie that he was lactose intolerant.  Yet he was found with 
one pound of Seabrook Fission Cheese in his goodie bag.  

  It was hidden in a Wendy's bag, the very staple of his career.

  THUS ENDETH THE ARTICLE.

  pete..remember...friends don't let friends cheese and drive..



Jesper Nilsson // dat92jni@ludat.lth.se or jesper@df.lth.se