Subject: BS GUIDE (part three)

Date: Thu, 16 Feb 1995 20:28:53 GMT

Album: The Bacon Sandwiches Boxed Set
Song: Playin' with the Bacon Sandwiches

Bay...con...Sandweechez...
Bay...con...Sandweechez...

Spatch plays with Laura,
Laura plays with Kaj,
Kaj plays with Jason,
Jason is stupid again,

Jesper plays with Sandy?
Sandy sleeps with Bruce?
Bruce makes a sandwich,
Vehement puts bacon in it,

Ray plays with Henrik,
Henrik plays with Noah,
Noah plays with DAVE.RHODES,
DAVE.RHODES.PLAYS.WITH.HIMSELF,

Eating our prunes,
We shit out the tunes for the B-Side,
Handing out spoons,
We eat our macaroons with a porter,

Hey, it's not stout!

If soy can't kill,
capybaras will,

In Bacon Sandwiches and a Beer,
Stupidity without peer,

Bacon Sandwiches and a Beer,
Stupidity without peer,

Bay...con...Sandweechez...
Bay...con...Sandweechez...

Spatch has a Red Stripe,
Vehement, Blackened VooDoo,
They both have bars to drink them at,
Except at BYU,

Throwing up in bathrooms,
Laying silly dames,
Turning on the CAPS LOCK,
TYPING OUT RUDE FLAMES,

Writing volumes,
We inhale the fumes from the sock drawer,
Hacking up songs,
We do a few bongs with a pale ale,

Hey, it's not stout!

If soy can't kill,
capybaras will,

In Bacon Sandwiches and a Beer,
Stupidity without peer,

Bacon Sandwiches and a Beer,
Stupidity without peer,

Bay...con...Sandweechez...
Bay...con...Sandweechez...


Album: The Bacon Sandwiches Rip Off Various Artists
Song: Sandwich of Bacon

There's a lady I know
Who puts ketchup on toast
And she's eating a sandwich of bacon

She's got rings in her nose
And it hurts when she blows
But masochism is what she came for

Ooooh--oo--oo
Ooooh--oo--oo

And she's eating a sandwich of bacon

There's a sign on the wall
"Sign up now for softball"
But she can't play 'cause her nose is bleeding

In the creek by the road
There's a songbird who sings
But he just doesn't sing them with feeling

Oooooh...make me supper
Oooooh...make me supper

There's a feeling I get
When I stand on my head
And cross my eyes and stare at a strobe light

In my thoughts I have seen
Someone kill Charlie Sheen
With a stapler they bought down at Shop-Rite

Oooooh...make me supper
Oooooh...make me supper

And it's there on the spoon
It's been there since last June
And it'll be there at least 'til next season

And a new day will dawn
I'll put my toupee on
Eat a Pop-Tart and go commit treason

Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh

If there's a muskrat in your bedroom, leave him alone there
He's just looking for his baked beans

Yes, there are toothpicks for customers if they want one
But you've got to ask for them by name

And they make me supper
Ooooooh-whoa-oooh

Your head is hummin', I think you should go to Sunoco
Your wipers seem to be stickin'

First lady can you hear the wind blow through ol' Bill's skull?
Your daughter died for everyone's sins

Ooooooh-ooooooh

And there's some wine in the commode
I blame it all on Mister Toad
In walks the guy from the Late Show
He lets the bathtub overflow
And Rick Dees is completely stoned
And if you whistle at the guard
He'll give you rice and sacks of lard
And then he'll ask to mow your yard
If, that is, it ain't too hard


Song: Where the Sheets Have no Stains

I want to rest
I want to sleep
I want to smash in the walls
Put holes in the floor
I want to bust beds,
Set them aflame
Where the sheets have no stains

I want to watch Showtime every day
Get a burger delivered on a silver tray
I want to sleep on bed not built for pain
Where the sheets have no stains

Where the sheets have no stains
Where the sheets have no stains
A real bulding
To burn down to hell, burn down hotels
And when I shower
There's no hair on the soap
(Belongs to who-knows-who)

The bathroom's aflood
And the bed's turned to rust
We beat in the TV and walls
Till it's all dust
It's not the same
The room looks the same
We need to find a place
Where the sheets have no stains

Where the sheets have no stains
Where the sheets have no stains
A real bulding
To burn down to hell, burn down hotels
And when I shower
There's no hair on the soap
(Belongs to who-knows-who)


Song: The End Of The Meal As We Know It

Oh shit
It starts with the Bis-Quick
And now I'm sick
To my stomach
Gastric juices start to cascade

I'm in a lot of pain
Better save yourself
Someone show me to the bathroom
Where the hell's the bathroom?
Shouldn't have had that last beet
Too much to eat
Now it's hit my bladder
Full effect of the lager
Brother said he's buyin'
So I couldn't refuse
So every dish I'm tryin'
Now my stomach's confused
Now my lunch is comin'
In a hurry with a fury
Creepin' up my neck

Gotta find a toilet
Or a trashcan or a bucket
Really any kind of
Container
Uh oh, overflow
Too little, too late
Better move, save yourself
Move yourself
Move your fat feet
Get yourself away from me
'Less you wanna be swimmin'
In my dinner all night
There's fish and chicken
All the fixins, clams left and right
It is not a pretty sight

It's the end of the meal as we know it
It's the end of the meal as we know it
It's the end of the meal as we know it
I feel like dyin'

Sick as fuck, a food shower
A little duck and clam chowder
Throatburn returns
Guess the meeting's adjourned
Maybe it was under-warmed
I'm reuturnin' this burger
And also this here lemonade
They'll just put it right back on the plate
Have my salad, have my cola
Head down, head down
Here's my sip of orange Crush
Uh-oh this means
Old beer, shed a tear
Gatorade and something clear
Spillin' in, ploppin' in
droppin' in, FLUSH!

For the end I'm wishing, as my stomach's turning
French toast, French fries

It's the end of the meal as we know it
It's the end of the meal as we know it
It's the end of the meal as we know it
I feel like dyin'

Here comes more, my tongue's a slide
For everything I dared to bite
Fermented cider, aged wine
BACON SANDWICH
A chef's salad
Something that may not be dead
Birthday party cheesecake
Jellybeans, boom!

Fish and chicken, all the fixins
Not a pretty sight

It's the end of the meal as we know it
It's the end of the meal as we know it
It's the end of the meal as we know it
I feel like dyin'


Song: Mr. Jones (Actually, The Bacon Sandwiches did this first...)

Na-na-na-na-na-na-na
Uh--what?
Yeah

I was down a the new Burger King
Starin' at this yellow french fry
Mr. Jones strikes against conservation
With a black-haired flamingo breeder
You know, she dances while his spays Fido
She's suddenly beautiful
Well, we all want something suddenly
Man, I wish I was something

So come dance this morning drown in the pudding
Fa-la-la-la-la-la yeah
Cut up Maria. Put her pieces in some Tupperware
Pass me some bacon, Mr. Jones
Believe in Cheez
Help me believe in melodies
Cause I want to be someone who gets helped

Mr. Jones and me tell each other fairy tales
He screws up on his parts though
"They're looking at you. Ah, no, no. No wait -- yeah they are."
Playin' with the Lite-Brite
Stealin' cheap car stereos
When everybody loves, you can never get any sleep

I will paint my picture
Paint myself in blue, red, blue and red
All the available colors are very very varied, oh
Well you know Paul is my favorite Beatle
I had gin and tonic yesterday
If I knew Picasso
I would ask him why he thinks that he can paint

Mr. Jones and me look into the future
Stare at the three-headed women
"She's looking at you
And him and him and that capybara too"
Standing at the Shop-Rite
I bought myself a candy bar
When everybody loves me, I will have a lot of people lovin' me

I want to be a lion
No scratch that, I'd rather be a donkey
We all want to be big big stars, yeah but there's just not enough cool hats
Believe in me
Cause I don't believe in believing
And I believe someone who believes

Yeah

Mr. Jones and me stumbling through the barrio
Yeah we look at each other and wonder
"What's a barrio? Man, you really got me there."
I want be Bob Denver
Mr. Jones wishes he was a big plate of potato salad
When everybody loves you, Bob, that's just about as funny as Toucan Sam

Mr. Jones and me starin' at the radio
When I look at the television
I want to see Greg Brady starin' right back at me
We all want to wear big ties, but don't know where and we don't know Frank
But when everybody loves me, I'm gonna make 'em buy me some big ties
Mr. Jones and me
We're gonna wear big ties


Song: Bacon Through
As one band member put it, "It had to happen."

You know the day destroys the Drac
Night divides all day
Tried a bun
Tried a side
Bacon through to the other side
Bacon through to the other side
Bacon through to the other side, yeah

We chased capybaras here
Dug our gravesites there
But can you still recall
Broken toasters?
Bacon through to the other side
Bacon through to the other side

Yeah!
C'mon yeah!

Everybody loves my bacon
Everybody loves my BRUCE
He get
He get
He get
He get fried

I found a bloodstream in your arms
Crusties in your eyes
Squirrels that chase us
Die die die
Bacon through to the other side
Bacon through to the other side
Bacon through, owww!
Oh, yeah!

Made obscene
Beak to beak
Pay to play
Power to flour
The fate is cake
Peas and Sprite
Bacon through to the other side
Bacon through to the other side
Bacon through
Bacon through
Bacon through
Bacon through
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah




Jason.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than smashed all to pieces and shoved up my butt.
"And bacon." -- Jack Nicholson in "Wolf"

From: nafziger.5@postbox.acs.ohio-state.edu (Jason Nafziger)

Subject: BS GUIDE (part four)

Date: Thu, 16 Feb 1995 20:29:51 GMT

Album: This? Special Edition Single
Song: This? [Recorded LIVE]

There must,
There must be,
There must be something,
There must be something else,
There cannot be just this,
Something you will not miss.

It's impossible,
Incredible,
Stupendously STUPID!
THERE HAS GOT TO BE SOMETHING ELSE!!!

But it does not look that way,
What do you say?
I cannot see that this should be all,
This empty wall.
That this is really...
...IT???...

It's impossible,
Incredible,
Stupendously STUPID!
THERE HAS GOT TO BE SOMETHING ELSE!!!

I feel so very unclean,
As if an Capybara I've seen
Nothing is remotely witty,
Except perhaps this little ditty.

Must be on Alt.Stupidity...
Must be on Alt...
Must be...

...and bacon.

(Song ends in spectacular fireworks as someone pukes into a speaker)


Album: Heckzapoppin'
Song: I Don't Think This Microphone Is Working

I don't think this microphone is working
It's turned on but I think
I think
I think it's broken
It's definitely on but I think
I think
I think it's BROKEN

No, this microphone is certainly flawed
There's no way that it could possibly be working
If it is then my name is Judy
Which, by the way, it's not so I guess that means
That means
That means

I don't think this microphone is working
I've been fiddling with it for some time
It's turned on but I think
I think
I think it's broken
It's on it's on but I think
I think
I think
I think

I don't think it's working


Song: Big, Fat-Assed, Floating Cupcake

Big, fat-assed, floating cupcake,
Hovering in front of my face,
Big, fat-assed, floating cupcake,
I wonder how good you taste,

Big, fat-assed, floating cupcake,
That my mother baked,
Big, fat-assed, floating cupcake,
Oh, for goodness sake!

Big, fat-assed, floating cupcake,
What was in my drink?
Big, fat-assed, floating cupcake,
Making it hard to think.

Big, fat-assed, floating cupcake,
Capybara running wild,
Big, fat-assed, floating cupcake,
Taking bacon from a child.

Big, fat-assed, floating cupcake,
How to end this song?
Big, fat-assed, floating cupcake,
Time to hit the Gong!

...fat-assed, floating cupcake...
*******GONG!!!!!!********
...fat-assed, floating cupcake...
*******GONG!!!!!!********
...fat-assed, floating cupcake...
*******GONG!!!!!!********
...fat-assed, floating cupcake...
*******GONG!!!!!!********
*******GONG!!!!!!********
*******GONG!!!!!!********
*******GONG!!!!!!********


Song: Heckzapoppin'

Just before the middle of the night
Almost just around the corner
And then to your immediate right
You'll find him waiting (waiting)

In the lukewarm flames
Just around the puddle of fire
Next to Elvis and Jesse James
You'll find him waiting (or something)

Almost an eternity
But not quite
It's not as bad as it gets
But almost...

Heckzapoppin'
Heckzapoppin'
Heckzapoppin'
Or something...

You've loaned him your soul
And you'll never get it back
Well, not for a week or so
At any rate, you're stuck here (sorta)

Almost an eternity
But just a tad shy
It's not as bad as it gets
But almost...

Heckzapoppin'
Heckzapoppin'
Heckzapoppin'
Heckzapoppin'
Heckzepoppin'

(Almost-Satan voice: HaHaHaHaHaHa... You're mine now, for a little while..)

Heckzapoppin'
Heckzapoppin'
Heckzapoppin'
Heckzapoppin'

***POP***



Album: Demo for Demonstrating
Song: Up Your Butt and Around the Corner

Where's Dan Quayle?
Where's your mom?
Where's everybody?
... where's Tom?

Up your butt, it's not hard to mention
Up your butt, it's not hard to clean
Up your butt and around the corner
Take a right - and there's your spleen

Where's my keys?
Where's my car?
Where's my suction Garfield?
Where's the bar?

Where's my Slinky?
Where's Spike Lee?
Where's Rush Limbaugh?
Where he oughtta be!

Up your butt, there's no need to worry
Up your butt, there's no need to preen
Up your butt and around the corner
Take a right, there's your spleen


Song: Qwik-N-Ez Grammar-Meter Flamage Guide
Recorded LIVE at the Newport.

Listen to the wisdom of Alt.Stupidity:
-1 for stupid or misspelt username,
-5 for poorly-attributed quoting,
-5 for beginning of sentence not capitalized,
-5 for two words puttogether

(Chorus)
Use the Qwik-N-Ez Flamage Guide,
Do not let your grammar slide,
or Spatch will flame your hide...

On Alt.Stupidity...rules the really witty
and if you're offended, TOUGH TITTY!

Dum-De-Dum...

-10 for apostrophes werent used,
-10 for two sentences not spaced properly,
-10 for a comma was used wrong,
-20 for run-on sentences are used you will get penalized if you use them!,
-20 for pathetic attempt at argument / rhetoric,

(Chorus)

-25 for not capitalizing the I in Internet,
-25 for referring to a "newsgroup" as a forum, BBS, area, room,
-25 for making lame "Information Superhighway" metaphor,
-25 for poster begins follow-up with obscenity,
-25 for excessive use of smileys,

(Chorus)

-25 for flaming someone whose smiley has/doesn't have a nose,
-25 for excessive use of obscenity,
-30 for so much obscenity it'd make a drill sergeant blush,
-30 for attempt to disguise obscenity with ASCII,
-50 for misspelt obscenity,

(Chorus)

-50 for posing a question but not using a question mark,
-50 for excessive use of exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!,
-50 for poorly-attempted forge,
-75 for referring to the Internet as "The Information Superhighway",
-75 for confusing the USENET with the Internet,

(Chorus)

-75 for SHOUTING THE ENTIRE POST,
-100 for quoting a long article only to add one line at the end,
-100 for any time the lines of the poster's .sig is greater than the post,
-100 for writing a follow-up with no quotes and no context,
-100 for referring to the Internet as "The Infobahn",

(Chorus)

-100 for flamebait so obvious even Andrew Beckwith wouldn't bite,
-100 for asking "I know this question is in the FAQ..."
-X for general cluelessness,

And remember, this song is not to nitpick on slip-ups,
But to thrash the flagrant violators.

Endfile, Endfile, Endfiiiillleeeee.

(Song ends in chaos as the audience attacks the band...)




Jason.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than smashed all to pieces and shoved up my butt.
"And bacon." -- Jack Nicholson in "Wolf"

From: nafziger.5@postbox.acs.ohio-state.edu (Jason Nafziger)

Subject: BS GUIDE (part five)

Date: Thu, 16 Feb 1995 20:30:46 GMT

Album: The Bacon Sandwiches Watch Too Much TV
Song: (I've Got Those) Hill Street Blues

Hill Street Blues
Hill Street Blues
Hill Street Blues, I got them Hill Street Blues
Put yourself in a policeman's shoes

When you're watching Hill Street, please don't snooze
There's just so much to see, it's a sure bet you'll lose
Catch the criminals, gather clues

Hill Street Blues
Hill Street Blues
When it's done I won't have Hill Street Blues
If pre-empted I will blow a fuse

Now it's time to watch those Hill Street Blues
Hill Street Blues.


Album: A Bacon Sandwiches End Of Daylight Savings Time
Song: Fall Back

It's two o'clock
In the morning, child
All down the block
Folks are running wild

They've got to turn back their clocks
It's the end...
Of Daylight Savings Time...

It's two o'clock
Actually, now it's only one
Got an hour back
One more hour of fun
So what do you want to do?

It's the end...
The end...
Of Daylight Savings Time...

Spoken:
I knew a man.
A stupid man.
A long time ago.
He would turn his clock back at two, until it read one.
And then an hour later, he'd do the same thing again.
Trapped in a time warp of his own creation.
He died with his finger on the minute hand.
It was 1:37.

It's the end...
The end...
The end...
The end...

(cuckoo solo)

The..........
End..........


Album: Cum On Bite the Bacon Sandwiches
Song: I LONGEST KNOWN PALINDROME KNOWN LONGEST I

Some day this thread will die and we'll be real happ-y.
Spatch leans down and says "Do you think we're that lucky?
"It sure is a bitch,
Oh here it comes!"
I LONGEST KNOWN (uh)
PALINDROME KNOWN
LONGE-E-EST I!
And we are just bacon munching on bacon on a piggy's backside.
We don't deserve this (nausea)
I LONGEST KNOWN (uh) (nausea)
PALINDROME KNOWN (nausea)
LONGE-E-EST I! (nausea)

See the flamage proof thread hanging 'round this newsfroup?
See the regular(?) posts with the random sigs, Kaj?
Now if I had to decide,
'Tween us and the
I LONGEST KNOWN (uh)
PALINDROME KNOWN
LONG-E-EST I
Well, I would choose bacon'n capybaras,
'Cause I practic'ly died
Last time that I tried (nausea)
I LONGEST KNOWN (uh)
PALINDROME KNOWN
LONG-E-EST I! (nausea)

"Spatch, we are pissed, though" we said "'Cause just a thread (this one) must
die, now."  "Die, must one?"  "This thread-a just cause." said we, though
pissed, are we Spatch?

See your brain on this thread?  Now is it frying?
(Egad a B.S. is Mom's!  Is bad age?)
See cascades making shapes like capybaras?
(Egad a B.S. is Mom's!  Is bad age?)
Mom, yer mom, rey, mom!
I LONGEST KNOWN (uh)
PALINDROME KNOWN (nausea)
LONGE-E-EST I!
"No palindromes, no!
Let's talk about grammar, or even grampa!" Nafziger sighed.
I LONGEST KNOWN (ay!) (nausea)
PALINDROKE KNO(N (nausea)
LONGE-E-EST I! (nausea)
No palindrome, no! (nausea)


Song: toaster

it warmed my pop-tarts for me, it warmed my bagels for me
it burnt my rye bread but i, i didn't get mad or nothing

help me
i broke apart my toaster
help me
i've got no jam to spread
help me
the only that thing that worked for me
what am i to do with this bread?

i just can't cook it in the microwave
it'll still be cold on the inside
i just can't cook it in the microwave
my whole damn breakfast is flawed
you know that toaster was God

you can have my can opener
you can have the pain that it brings
you can have my wok and my fridge
you can have my other things

help me
take my damn freezer
help me
dinette set i can sell
help me
it browned it perfect
made toast like no-damn-body else

i just can't cook it in the microwave
it'll still be cold on the inside
i just can't cook it in the microwave
my whole damn breakfast is flawed
you know that toaster was God

top it with butter, top it with cheese
within my stomach, certain to please
the warm jelly of its pop-tarts
melted my cold and darkened heart


Song: Stick (Your Head) In A (Buck)et Of B(a)c(o)n

When the assholes are all around you,
And life is getting you down,
Stick your head in a bucket of Bacon,
And swish it all around!

When your money's all been spent
And the wife has just thrown you out
Stick your head in a bucket of bacon,
And swish it all about!

When you're lying drunk in the road
Gettin' trampled by a Clydesdale horse
Stick your head in a bucket of bacon,
And swish it back and forth!

Oh... I saw the light
You know it set me right
I said, brother, I found salvaaaaaaaa-SHUN
I stuck my head in a bucket of bacon


Song: 100 Bastards Gone

One-hundred bastards gone
Driven out of town
One-hundred bastards gone
With seventy clowns

Oh, they left behind
A couple of mimes
One-hundred bastards gone
Oh, those mimes are here
Drinking all my beer
One-hundred bastards gone
If you've never seen a mime drunk
Well consider yourself lucky, punk
One-hundred bastards gone
Oh, it's silence like you've never heard
And all of their gestures are slurred
ONE HUNDRED BASTARDS GONE
ONE HUNDRED BASTARDS GONE
ONE HUNDRED BASTARDS GONE

AIIIEEEEEEEEEEYYYEAH!!!!!


Song: Say, Mr. Pigeon

Say, Mr Pigeon, is that your bike?
Is that your bike?
Is that your bike?

Say, Mr Pigeon, is that your bike?
Cause it's rolling down that hill!

Mean Mr. Pigeon wakes up with a single piece of paper
He's not too nice

All day long he sits by the park bench
Waiting for rice

But every time he puts down his bike
Mr Pigeon really gets sore
Cause the kickstand always flops and the bike doesn't stop
Til it's smashed into a car

Hey, Mr Pigeon, is that your bike?
Is that your bike?
Is that your bike?

Hey, Mr Pigeon, is that your bike?
Cause it's rolling down that hill!


(guitar solo)
(song ends as a large bike crashes into the studio and takes out several
        recording technicians)


Song: Squishy Dream One

Squishy Can came to me in a dream
He said, "If you wanna do the stoopid thing you gotta be stoopid"
And I said
"Squishy Can, man, do you get stoopid often?"
He just laffs and sez
"Boy
I'M ALWAYS STOOPID!!!".
And then he gets on top of the Squishymobile
And does the
Squishy Jig.
All the cops that had gathered at that point were pointless
I went flat
And tried to do the same
Squishy just laffed and laffed
I was cornfuzed
Was I not Stoopid?
Was I beeing 2 smart 4 the Squish man?
I says
"Show me the way to be, Squishy Can Man!"
So he says
"First, you have to take out your brain
Then, stuff in the bacon,
Capybara,
And pledge allegiance to the Spatch"
So, "OK" I says,
And I take out my
Brain


Song: Spatula's Theme

It's a untensil
It's not a pencil
Handy for flipping things
A Spatula Tonight!

Something we all use,
Something you can't lose,
Something for greasy spoons
A Spatula Tonight!

Made out of wood,
Or stainless steel,
You all can use it,
For ev'ry me-al.

Something that coo-ooks
Nothing from boo-ooks,
Something to flip pancakes all right,
Eggbeaters tomorrow,
Spatula Tonight!

---------------------
----Outtakes----
---------------------

"The Calamari Song" (Working Title)

There was this rabbit
Who I used to see every day.
But then the squid came
And I yelled, "HEY!!!"  (hey!)

But they took that rabbit away.
Oh so much to my dismay.
So I got them.
And we made Calimari!

(chorus)
CAAALimarI!
STOOOOpid Squid!
Yellow Hankerchief
Yellow Hankerchief

And the Squid came back
the very next day.
and sat.

(chorus)

Lots of wild and eratic vocals as the entire band explods.  Enter the horses.





Jason.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than smashed all to pieces and shoved up my butt.
"And bacon." -- Jack Nicholson in "Wolf"

From: nafziger.5@postbox.acs.ohio-state.edu (Jason Nafziger)

Subject: BS GUIDE (part six)

Date: Thu, 16 Feb 1995 20:32:10 GMT

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
BAND INTERVIEWS
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Interview with Steve "Vehement Sack" and Spatch, on NYC Live at Four A.M.
Host: Leslie something-or-other

L: Okay -- first off let me just ask you--

VS: Y'know, man, it's nice to see the band get the recognition it
    deserves, y'know man? After all the hard work we put into "What
    Thing?" and "DOODY DOODY DOODY", I mean, we sold, what...over 2
    million...

S:  3.

VS: ...yeah, 3 million...

S:  No. Just 3.

VS: ...yeah, like, we never knew they would be such mega-hits, y'know,
    man? Hey! What's say we sing one Spatch-o...

S:  No, I really d...

VS: ...oh, c'mon...I'll start, Ok? Ok, now, "DOODY DOODY DOODY..."

S:  ...uhh..

VS: ..C'Mon.."DOO..."

S:  "...DOODY DOODY....DOODY"

VS: OK, yeah! "DOODY DOODY DOODY"!

S:  "DOODY DOODY DOODY"!

VS: Alright! "DOODY DOODY DOODY"!

S:  "DOODY DOODY DOODY"!

VS: "DOODY DOODY DOODY"!

S:  "DOODY DOODY DOODY"!

VS: "DOODY DOODY DOODY"!

S:  "DOODY DOODY DOODY"!

VS: OK! Big finish now...

VS&S: "DOODY!"

VS: Right on Spatch!

S:  I think I going to vomit...


Interview with Jason, Spatch, Kaj, and Vehement Steve in Lame Band Magazine

LBM: What makes the Bacon Sandwiches so--

VS: I think you should be interviewing Duran Duran instead.

S: Hey! Duran Duran's not that bad!! I mean, not as bad as us.

K: Which Duran do you like better?

S: Oh, the first one, for sure.

VS: I like the first one too.

J: The second one.

K: I like them both the same. They need each other. For, like, support
or whatever.

J: I think you're drunk, Kaj.

VS: We're all drunk.

J: See?

S: So, were you going to ask us a question or what?

LBM: Uh... who writes the songs?

S: Which songs?

VS: The songs that make the whole world sing?

J: Yeah, what songs do you mean?

K: Duran Duran?

LBM: Yours. Who writes the Bacon Sadwiches' songs?

J: Uh....

S: Um....

K: Er....

VS: [belch]

J&S: [three minutes of laughing]

LBM: No, seriously, who writes 'em?

S: Well, we all write words on little slips of paper, and then
we put them in this giant fedora, and then Laura draws out a bunch
of them. And there's the song. So, I guess Laura writes them.

LBM: Where is Laura by the way?

J: Interview's over.

K: We've gotta go.

S: You'll be sorry, mag-boy.

VS: Are you gonna eat those fries?


Interview with Laura Z by CruDdyMusIcTeleVisIoN

CMTV: So, how exactly did the Bacon Sandwiches come about?

L: It was all my idea.

CMTV: Yes...?

L: Yes.

CMTV: O...Kay. Tell us about the new video.

L: It was all my idea.

CMTV: Okay, okay. Why doesn't Spatch use his real name?

L: It was all my idea.

CMTV: We'll be right back after this CMTV "Free Your Spleen" Ad.


The Bacon Sandwiches on the Whack Flapjack show.
Other guests: Child star Macaulay Culkin, and dissatisfied
columnist Standwick Mushmeyer.

Basically after the interviews the BS came out and sang "Doody Doody Doody",
after which the following exchange occurred:

KAJ: Thank you.  Thank you.  [ applause dies down ]
WHACK: So, when are you going to do your song?
STEVE: That was our song.
LAURA: It was my idea.
WHACK: That was no song.  That was just all five
SPATCH: - three, sir -
WHACK: - seven of you shouting "Doody doody doody" at random intervals.
LAURA: It was my idea.
KAJ: Well, you see, Whack, that's the general idea of the song.
LAURA: Mine.
KAJ: Yeah, Laura's.  We felt that by shouting "doody doody doody" at
        random intervals, rather than, say, whispering it, we could
        achieve an effect that somehow is like the new capybarian
        style of music.
SPATCH (to STANDWICK MUSHMEYER): Hi there.
STANDWICK: Uh, hi.
WHACK: The capybarian style?
LAURA: It was my idea.
JASON: No it wasn't, it was Matthew MacIntyre's idea.
WHACK: Wasn't he on the New Kids on the Block?
SPATCH: You mispronounced "Joe McCarthy".  Hope this helps.
STEVE: Basically the capybarian style of music is somewhat like house,
        building, Mentos and industropoop all rolled into one.  You get
        your rabid Luddite fans, you get your devout rasta followers
        and you also get the tonedeaf all enjoying the work.
WHACK: So you're doing this to gain new fans, are you?
SPATCH: You mispronounced "selling out."  Hope this helps.
KAJ: No, Spatch, wait, we're not selling out.  To sell out we'd have to
        latch onto a popular music form.
SPATCH: Oh.
WHACK: So, I hear it's customary for one of you guys to get smashed before
        interviews.
LAURA: It was my idea, but only if it's soy milk.
WHACK: Riight.  So, which one of you is it this time?
JASON: Can't you tell?
WHACK: Uh, no.
JASON: We thought it'd be inherently obvious.
WHACK: You all got me unless Blandford comes out with the Whack-Y Breathalyzer
        test!
KAJ: BREATHALYZER?!  OH SHIT!!!  [ runs out of the studio screaming ]
SPATCH (to STANDWICK): So, what's in your mug?
STANDWICK (stiffly): Water.  You?
SPATCH: TRUE YETI.
WHACK: I think I know who's drunk.
JASON: Wrong!
WHACK: But I haven't guessed yet!
JASON: You'd still be wrong.  None of us is drunk.
STEVE: Yet.
LAURA: Bruce is.
WHACK: Bruce?
STEVE: Sandy?!
WHACK: Who's Bruce?
JASON: He's not here.
SPATCH: Hey, can Florence Henderson bring out a Brady Bunch board game for
        me, too?  [ STANDWICK drinks out of SPATCH's cup, his eyes roll in
        the back of his head ]
WHACK: No.  Who's Bruce?
STEVE: Bruce is our Auxiliary Band Member.  He's currently dead right now
        but he's recuperating and should be back for our Spring 96 tour
        of Mesopotamia.
LAURA: It was my idea.
VOICE FROM AUDIENCE: We want Macaulay Culkin!
STEVE: Shut up!
WHACK: Well, what's next for the Bacon Sandwiches?
SPATCH: Well, we're currently negotiating the rights to do a rock opera
        based on the book "How to make Millions of Dollars, Tax-Free,
        While Simultaneously Finding Your Ideal Mate and Achieving
        Perfect Health".
JASON: It's very visionary, very surreal.
LAURA: It was my idea.
SPATCH: And after that we're off to sunny Nepal to shoot our latest
        video "Phil".
WHACK: I think you're lying.  [ STANDWICK takes another swig out of SPATCH'S
        cup, grimaces, and finishes it. ]
STEVE: Hey, man, we don't question your work.
JASON: Actually, I do.  What were you thinking when you filmed "Disco
        Avenger?"
WHACK (nervously): Hey, now, everybody's got their bad career moves...
JASON: Yeah, but a crimefighter who fights crimes in a big white polyester
        leisure suit with the Big Ugly Medallions of Truth?  Come on!
WHACK: I needed the money.  It was either that or star in another disaster
        epic with Shelley Winters.
SPATCH: I think I saw that one.  You were real convincing as the Furniture
        Magnate whose carelessness destroys an entire city.
WHACK: That wasn't me, that was Leslie Nielsen!
STEVE: It's all right, we forgive you.  Not.
STANDWICK (very drunkenly swaggers right up to WHACK): I don't fergive you,
        Mishter Flapjack... I can't shtand you!  Do you unmember me?
WHACK: With breath like that, it's a wonder I haven't.
STANDWICK: Do you remember a game show sheveral yearz back called "Was It
        Red?"  I wash on it and I LOST!
WHACK: That's "Is It Red?" and I can see why you lost.
STANDWICK: You publicly humiliated me!  You called me all shorts of names
        and taunted me jusht because I wouldn't play along with your sick,
        perverted fantashies!
WHACK: Hey, now, answering questions correctly isn't quite "playing along
        with my sick, perverted fantasies."
STEVE: It is if the question was "Will you make hot mango love to me while
        we listen to Debby Boone?"
WHACK: Stay out of this, vehement sackboy.
SHTANDWICK: I've been waiting all these yearsh sho that I could exact
        my revenge... and now I CAN!  HAHAHAHAH!  [ points his finger
        at WHACK ] You're my hostage now or else I'll let you have it!
        [ jabs finger menacingly ]
WHACK: Uh, that's not a gun, that's your finger.
STANDWICK (breaking down and weeping): Oh, what'sh the use?  I can't even
        brandish a weapon correctly.  I'm jusht a pathetic peon of the
        journalistic society we live in today.
JASON: Oh, come on, sir, you're not that pathetic.  I mean, look at Spatch.
        6 years in the music business and he's still doing backup vocals
        for Ace of Base.
SPATCH: HEY!!!
STANDWICK: I guess you're right.  I'm not all that bad.  It's just that
        every time I try to gain the public eye I end up looking like a
        total, utter, stupid, smegging SCHNOOK!  [ STOCKDALE the CLOWN runs
        in all of a sudden, holding three keylime pies, and bashes them in
        STANDWICK's face.  He then sprays STANDWICK with seltzer, rum and
        coke, and bacon, while singing the aria to La Boheme.  Afterwards
        he picks up STANDWICK and throws him down a prop laundry chute
        marked "TO HELL" and then stands as if waiting for something. ]
WHACK: He said "schnook", not "book".
STOCKDALE: Oh, I guess I had my hearing aid turned off for a moment there.
STEVE: Wha?!
LAURA: That wasn't my idea.
WHACK: Well, we'll be right back with the Bacon Sandwiches and our special
        guest Macaula - [ KAJ re-enters holding MACAULAY CULKIN'S head on
        a pike, MACAULAY'S face is frozen in his famed "oh no!" expression. ]
KAJ: Sorry, I slipped while backstage...

[ pandemonium ensues as the crowd mobs the stage and firehoses are deployed. ]



-----------------------------------------------------------------------
THE FABLED "THREE FULL MINUTES..." SESSION TRANSCRIPT
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Featuring Jason, Spatch, and various Engineers. Plus, guest vocalist
Carnie Wilson.

E: It's about time you showed up, Carnie, maybe we can get started now.

C: Hey, bite me, okay.

S: All right, let's do it. The song we're recording is called "Love Stew"
and I wrote it with you in mind. I'd like to thank you once again for doing
this song with us.

J: Okay, okay, can we do this?

C: Hey, you guys want some root beer?

J: Sure.

S: Yeah, cool. Thanks.

E: Er... guys?

J: Oh, shut up, like anyone's gonna buy this record anyway.

E: No, I just wondered if we could get some root beer, too.

S: NO!!!

C: [belch]

S: [laugh]

J: [laugh, belch, laugh]

S: [belch, laugh, belch, laugh]

C: [major belch, cackle]

S: [laughing mixed with belching]

J: [uncontrollable laughing, belch]

[three full minutes of laughing and belching]

S: Hey! That was a lot better than "Love Stew"!!

J: Yeah, no kidding [belch].

C: Er... I gotta go [belch, cackle]

S: [belch, laugh]

E: Okay, we're out of tape.

S: That's a keeper!

[more belching and laughing]

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE STORY OF "Bruce"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just mention the name to any Bacon Sandwiches fan (if you can find one) and
you'll no doubt be choked within strands of your life. This is how most BS
fans respond to contact with other human beings. You should see the concerts.
But "Bruce" means something extra-special to them (more than even a free
burrito, as hard as this may be to believe). And it should mean something
special to you. "Bruce" was written in 1981, when founding Sandwiches Spatch
and Jason were in a band called Dentyl Wreckyrd. One night, after a few too
many, Spatch wrote "Bruce," the subject of which has been hotly debated, and
asked Jason to join him for a quick demo to see how it sounded. Well, it
sounded good (to four drunken ears, anyway). The two didn't want to play the
tape for Oxn Dihard, the lead singer of Wreckyrd, for fear they would be
booted from the band, a habit that stemmed from Oxn's ego, which was only
rivaled by his hair in terms of immensity. So they kept "Bruce" to them-
selves for now. Three months later, Wreckyrd broke up.

"Bruce" resurfaced again in 1988, after the Bacon Sandwiches had just
completed their summer tour in support of the Squishy Can album. Spatch came
upon the tape in his personal vault while he was looking for peanut butter.
He decided it was time to record it with a real band, and the Bacon Sand-
wiches were the next best thing. After hundreds of mixing sessions, Spatch
was still unhappy with the sound of the track, and nixed it from the line-
up of the This? single. "Bruce" was worked on constantly, but Spatch could
not be pleased. It failed to make it onto Heckzapoppin' as well.

Until earlier this year, the thought of "Bruce" ever gracing a shiny disc
was completely dismissed. But, in late February, Spatch called Jason at
three in the morning (for which he has not yet been forgiven) and told him
to get his punk ass to the studio pronto. Once there, the pair re-recorded
the song just as they had done the original. "This was the way it was meant
to be", Spatch said before he passed out. A video for "Bruce" was also shot
using Spatch's Betacam. You should see Jason's cute jammies.

But the big question is: Will fans ever hear this masterpiece, often lauded
as "the greatest rock song ever written" (mostly by those who wrote it)?
Rumor has it that it may appear on the Sandwiches upcoming album, Cum On
Bite the Bacon Sandwiches. But, so far, the album has had several delays and
probably will not be finished before the tour ends. Some have said the
Sandwiches will perform "Bruce" as the closing number for the Put Down...
tour, but most of these people are noted sacks of shit (though not vehement
ones, curiously).

Are Jason and Spatch the next Lennon/McCartney. Or are they closer to Lenin/
McCarthy? No one knows, and more importantly, no one cares.



Jason.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than smashed all to pieces and shoved up my butt.
"And bacon." -- Jack Nicholson in "Wolf"

From: nafziger.5@postbox.acs.ohio-state.edu (Jason Nafziger)

Subject: BS GUIDE (part seven)

Date: Thu, 16 Feb 1995 20:33:09 GMT

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
ALBUM REVIEWS
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Review of the Bacon Sandwiches' cover album ("The Bacon Sandwiches Watch Too Much TV")
in Rolling Stone magazine (RS 687.3)
By David Fricke

(/words/ are italicized and _words_ are underlined)

_CHANNEL SURFIN' WITH THE SANDWICHES_
"The Bacon Sandwiches Watch Too Much TV"

        I have never considered myself much of a television addict until I
received a copy of THE BACON SANDWICHES' latest release of cover tunes,
_The Bacon Sandwiches Watch Too Much TV_ along with a blank check and
a Post-It note reading "LISTEN TO ME".  From the first track (a cover
of /Three's Company/) to the last, the Sandwiches show the world once
again that musical success is not judged on talent and ability.  I sat,
enthralled, in front of my sound system, trying to figure out if the
Sandwiches had actually taken that technological step forward and
recorded in stereo this time (no dice) as all the familiar sights and smells
of my favorite television shows came rushing back at me.  However, I soon
realized that none of my TV faves were on this album (with the exception
of /Green Acres/).  To complete the Couch Potato feel this album seems
to suggest, I sat down with my remote CD shuffler in my right hand and a can
of Rolling Rock in the other and lemme tell you, 33 never tasted better than
during a listen to this album.

        The /Three's Company/ opening riff demonstrates that KAJ GRONER's
exceptional ability at plugging in an electric guitar.  Next, JASON
NAFZIGER and SPATCH show off their talents as they turn the theme to
/Scooby-Doo/ (retitled "Scooby Snack Mix") into a techno tour-de-something.
The entire band then swings into high as everybody participates (as guest
stars?) in the theme to the /Love Boat/ (who's the wise guy screaming out
"Dick Van Patten!  Angie Dickinson!  Waylon Jennings and Madam!" during
the opening measures?) but the song really needs more than just loud
synthesized strings.  However, things mellow out next with a superb
a capella rendering of the /Hill Street Blues/ song with new lyrics added
by some band member.

        However, after this VCR's worth of television delights, we take
a radical departure and get the theme to "Shaft".  I guess several Sandwiches
had watched it on Late-night TV.  (I hear it was all Laura's idea.)  STEVE
HECKMAN kicks out the jams as he lends his /control-alto-delbasso/ voice
for the lead vocals while guest artist MATTHEW MACINTYRE wails away on
lead capybara.  We are next treated to a live recording of /Josie & The
Pussycats/, recorded at "Lollapallooza XVIII" where JASON and KAJ got too
excited and crowd-surfed over the security guards while LAURA, dressed in
her pussycat outfit, led those who weren't enthralled by the cheesy America
Online demos to sing along.  (A special encore, half-heard on this track but
mostly drowned out by screaming executives features the other theme
/Josie and the Pussycats in Outer Space/.)

        After a sad attempt at the /Quantum Leap/ theme (which features
several band members trying to sing the lead instrument part) newcomer
NOAH "FLAPJACK" SMITH does an incredible pots-and-pans solo before launching
into the rawest, dirtiest, grungiest version of /My Mother, The Car/ you
will ever hear outside of a Neil Young concert.  Next, a lilting duet
between LAURA and JASON as those lovable Douglas newlyweds on /Green Acres/.
However, LAURA sounds more like Zsa Zsa than Eva on this track, and JASON
sounds more like Prince Albert rather than Eddie Albert.  Oh well.

        Finally we find ourselves at the end of our broadcast day.  After
KAJ's gospel lead for /Maude/ (with SPATCH and friends randomly screaming
"AND THEN THERE'S MAUDE!!!" at various intervals) the band gets down
and funky for the /Sanford and Son/ and finally, they do an homage (I guess
it's supposed to be positive) to the show /Mystery Science Theater 3000/.
However, in this one they sound more like Frank Black than TV's Frank.
I found myself wanting to listen to more even though I was oddly repulsed,
but I couldn't because I had to write this review.  (And there were no more
songs either.)

        All in all, though, the Sandwiches come through with another piece
of audio salvo.  Although the band draws lots to see who plays what instrument
for each recording session, they pass themselves off as a second-rate
Dead Milkmen (or, if we're really being generous, a first-rate Captain And
Tennille) and the overall effect is, well, if you can't watch the shows
the next best thing is getting a mediocre band to play the tunes for you.
But why didn't they do /Batman/??

Rating: -501251,12501351025,125012505 - meaning "OK I guess"

Review of the Bacon Sandwiches' Heczapoppin' in Entertainment Weekly's "Worst Albums In
The History Of Everything" issue.
By David Browne

Dreckzapoppin' : New York's Bacon Sandwiches continue to do what they do best -- that is, do
everything poorly.

	When asked to pick one of the worst albums ever, I immediately ran to the collection of
Bacon Sandwiches CDs I keep in my wastebasket. I picked this one randomly, since everything
the band has released is lousy. Even at their best, the band is at their worst. And the five-song
Heckzapoppin' is even worse than that.
	The songs here are reminiscent of the gurgling of a newborn infant, only with less
insight. Basically we get songs about faulty equipment ("I Don't Think This Microphone is
Working"), drug-induced hallucinations ("Big, Fat-Assed, Floating Cupcake"), and ... well ...
"Heckzpoppin'." We're also put through a remix of "Put Down That Ping-Pong Paddle" and a 45-
minute "blooper reel" that is beyond human description.
	To say that Heckzapoppin' is crap is to insult fecal matter. Do yourself a favor and spend
the money on an actual bacon sandwich; it's got to be better for your health than this garbage
(my apologies to junk.) F-

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Misc. Announcements (Take off your shoe!)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bacon Sandwiches Merchandise and stuff:
     * The Bacon Sandwiches Concert Action Playset -- with crappy plastic figures that look
	nothing like the band, and Rock'em Sock'em mosh pit!!!!
     * Bac-O-Flakes Cereal
	Crunchy flakes of bacon and marshmallows shaped like marshmallows.
	No known nutritional value.
	Stays crunchy in True Yeti.
	Free live capybara in specially marked boxes!
	Two capybaras in un-specially marked boxes!


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Foreword to "From Obscurity to Slightly Less Obscurity: An Unneccessary Odyssey: Of
Breakfast Meat and Me: A Catatlogue of Bodily Noises: A Lot of B.S.: The Bacon Sandwiches
Story ...and Bacon" by Standwick Mushmeyer
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All right Gentle Readers, here's another book.  Let me say right off the bat that I didn't want to
write this book, but I had to toss off one more book to fulfill my contractual obligations with
Chavez-D'Allesio press before I moved on to a real publishing house.  I was originally going to
ghost write the autobiography of Norton Chia, the inventor of the Chia Pet.  The book was
going to be called, or at least so his dictation suggested, "I'm. . .uh. . . Norton Chia, You will
Respect me!"  The writing was going all right until he began telling me about the time he was
seduced by Tom Bosley. Justifiably skeptical I called Mr. Bosley for verification.  He not only
categorically denied ever meeting Mr. Chia, but he presented proof that he was on the set of
"Happy Days" during the weekend in question and not in a seedy bar in Tasmania a  Mr. Chia
suggests.  The whole book was beginning to smack of libel, so I jumped ship; besides, I don't like
to work with sickos.


        Anyway, I grabbed to next project available, thinking I could write it in a few weeks.  It
turned out to be this repulsive debacle you hold in your hands.  Unfortunately, writing the story of
the incessantly stupid band The Bacon Sandwiches didn't get me very far from sickos, but at
least I needn't worry about libel since nobody really cares what Jason, Steve, Spatch,
Laura, Ray, Kaj, Jesper and Noah think.  I wanted to call the book "The Bacon Sandwiches The
Story of a Band that Can Bite Me," but Peter Chavez-D'Allesio wouldn't let me.  He can bite me
too.


        Interestingly enough, and as loathsome as I find admitting it, The Bacon Sandwiches (or
B.S., as I like to call them) have a lot to do with success I have enjoyed over the past several
months, which is why I'm leaving Chavez-D'Allesio Press, which is why I had to write this book.
To quote Thornton Wilder, "that's what you call a vicious circle."  The irony is just sickening.  I
am speaking, of course of the infamous episode of The Whack Flapjack Show from last spring.
I was appearing on the show, against my better judgment, to promote my book "I Hate Burritos"
(now available in paperback from Chavez-D'Allesio Press).  Also appearing that night were
child star Macaulay Culkin and the Bacon Sandwiches as the alleged musical guest.  Culkin was
late, so I went on first and Mr. Flapjack, that paragon of the inanity of American culture in the
90's, decided that, since a "literary guest" is always "boring" he would spice up the interview by
having a clown come out and taunt me at seemingly random intervals.  So I was understandably
angry by the time B.S. came out to sing "DOODY DOODY DOODY" as the first stop on their
1994 "Comeback Tour."  After screaming "Doody!" into their microphones for an inexorably long
time, the band came over to engage in inane chatter with Mr. Flapjack.  Their washboard player,
Spatch, who some people say looks like me wouldn't leave me alone.  I was now ready to drown
my troubles in drink, so I took a sip of Spatch's mug which was full of some concoction
called TRUE YETI.

	I can't remember anything after that, except that I woke up in a dumpster on the OBS lot
outside the set of Lifecall The Series. After watching videotapes I learned that I had threatened
to shoot Mr. Flapjack with my finger to revenge his treatment of me when I appeared on a game
show he used to host called Is it Red? The Clown pushed me down a laundry shoot and general
pandemonium broke out.  When Culkin finally arrived (he had trouble finding the lot and
everyone whom he asked for directions had never heard of OBS), he was "accidentally"
decapitated by Kaj Groner, lead moaner of B.S.


        The final result was oddly, and rather twistedly, positive for most of the parties involved.
Mr. Flapjack's ratings soared, due to the Ed-Ame's-Tomahawk-like-nature of the incident.  My
books have been selling like hotcakes since then and I've been booked on every major talk show
in the nation, including, unfortunately, Mr. Flapjack's show, once a month through 1997. This isn't
how I wanted to become famous, but I guess it will do for now.

	Young Mr. Culkin received a great deal of sympathy for his situation and became the
first person ever to receive the now-common head-reattachment surgery.  As I write this, his
latest film, Home Alone 5 Lost up your Butt, is number one at the box office.

	The only people to come off badly from the incident were the Bacon Sandwiches
themselves.  Though they did not face criminal charges (harming the star of a John Hughes
movie is only a misdemeanor in most states), B.S. received a great deal of negative press
as "The band that hurt Kevin," and the release of their latest album was delayed once again.  I
know that no press is bad press as long as they spell your name right, but more  than half of the
articles written on the subject referred to the group as either "The Doody Heads" or "Spatch and
the Spatchulettes."  None the less, the group remembers the evening fondly and their pots and
pans player, who didn't appear on the show, has taken to calling himself "Flapjack."


        Anyway, here's my book on The Bacon Sandwiches.  If you enjoy it, you're not somebody
I'd like to meet.



                                                Standwick Mushmeyer

                                                11/2/94



Jason.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than smashed all to pieces and shoved up my butt.
"And bacon." -- Jack Nicholson in "Wolf"