The most complete version to date, the least complete version to marry:
The Bacon Sandwiches Guide
For those who have nothing better to do right now
"The pig, if I am not mistaken,
Supplies us sausage, ham, and bacon.
Let other say his heart is big
I call it stupid of the pig."
Written by: Jason Nafziger, Spatch, Steve Heckman, Jesper Nilsson,
Kaj Groner, and Noah Smith. It was all (l)Laura's idea.
Any corrections or additional information should be shoved up
YourCrack@ass.com.
Access the Bacon Sandwiches WWW page. We dare you.
If you can find it. I'm not sure where it's at right now.
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Contents:
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Mr. Q&A On The Sandwiches
Complete (or not) Bacon Sandwiches Discography
Lyrics as close as we can tell
Tour dates
Official (read: Drunken) Interviews with band members.
The Transcipt of the "Three Full Minutes..." Session
The Story of "Bruce"
Album Reviews
Misc. Announcements
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Mr. Q&A On The Sandwiches
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The following Q's may or may not be A'd.
1.) Who are the Bacon Sandwiches?
2.) Why are the Bacon Sandwiches?
3.) What do the Bacon Sandwiches do?
4.) How are they?
5.) When will the new single be released so I can request that my
local station not play it?
6.) Why did the chicken cross the road?
7.) [Question Seven has been banned by the FCC]
8.) What is question number eight?
9.) What makes question nine different and/or better than qestion
eight?
10.) Is this really question ten, or is it question eleven trying to
slander the good name of question ten?
11.) I resent that.
12.) Why has question Seven been Banned?
13.) Why do all my ideas peel and turn to rust? Why do I feel I must?
14.) What makes question 14 better and/or different from question 13?
1) Who are the Bacon Sandwiches?
The Bacon Sandwiches are a bunch of stupid people who get together and
attempt to make music by playing with various instruments, banging on
drums, and sometimes electrocuting themselves while gargling with
Listerine (if that'll be musical). They've been together for -354125
years, during which time they've spent extensive seconds, maybe even
minutes refining their musical genius with just a dollup of butter.
The Bacon Sandwiches are as follows:
* "Drivethruman" Jason on keyboards
* Steve "Oomph" Heckman on vehement guitar
* Spatch "No stupid middle name" on washboard
* Laura "Soygirl" Z. on something that looks like several strings
attached to a marble statue
* Ray "Gerald" Crossdale accompanied by Bruce
* Sandy?
* Kaj "Moaner" Groner on the phone
* Jesper "I Write the Songs that Make the Whole World Wretch"
Nilsson on something whose name escapes me at this time
* Noah "No Ark Jokes, Please" Smith on pots and pans
* Dave "Hit the" Rhodes on flamebait
* Myterious "Lurking" Presence in the corner
* "The Professor" and Mary "Ann" here on Gilligan's Isle
* No One "You'd" Know on meaningless vocals
* Scarecrow's brain
* Two pickles and chopped onions
* Last-night's leftovers
* Caged animals
* Cubby
* Annette
* An albino
* a mulatto
* a mosquito
* my libido
* That doggy in the window
* Seventeen rabid capybaras (capybarii??)
* A partridge in a pear tree
...and many other people too numerous to munch.
2) Why are the Bacon Sandwiches?
Because, you narrow-minded dolt.
3) What do the Bacon Sandwiches do?
Shamelessly self-promote themselves and their music. Most of the members
are currently offering squeegy service at a stoplight near you. Kaj can be found
roaming aimlessly through the back alleys of America from midnight to five.
The Bacon Sandwiches have been bumped from over seventy-nine thousand
national television appearances in a little under three days. Sometimes,
when they're really bored (read: always), the Bacon Sandwiches will march
down the street shooting unsuspecting squirrels (also chipmunks, regular
monks, constipated monks, lemmings, lymes, etc.) with sawed-off shotguns.
They also enjoy Quik.
The Bacon Sandwiches claim to have 500 zillion gigs under their collective
belts when in actuality this number is about 3. And that's probably even
stretching it a little.
4) How are they?
Very fine, thank you.
5) When will the new single be released so I can request that my local
station not play it?
The Bacon Sandwiches will not be releasing any new singles, 'cause
they think that will make them cool like Pearl Jam. The Bacon
Sandwiches are constantly trying to be cool like Pearl Jam. Why do you
think they named themselves after a food product?
6) Why did the chicken cross the road?
Shut up, dolt.
7) [BANNED]
8) What is question number eight?
Question eight is none of your damned business.
9) What makes question nine different and/or better than qestion
eight?
Boy, you are REALLY a friggin' dolt, aren't you?
10) Is this really question ten, or is it question eleven trying to
slander the good name of question ten?
Actually, it's question twelve trying to get question eleven in
trouble with question ten. So plot that one on your Cartesian graph.
11) I resent that.
Kinda like your face, eh?
12) Why has question Seven been Banned?
Because it's REALLY dirty.
13) Why do all my ideas peel and turn to rust? Why do I feel I must?
Ask the dust.
14) What makes question 14 better and/or different from question 13?
It has wings.
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DISCOGRAPHY
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October 1984
"Put Down That Ping-Pong Paddle"
Their debut EP. The cover features a blurry photograph that is believed to have
been taken by Spatch slighty after the creation of "True Yeti" (now available in
handy juice boxes!)
Track List:
1) "Put Down That Ping-Pong Paddle" (Spatch/Nafziger)
2) "What Thing?" (Spatch/Nafziger)
3) "You're Silly" (Spatch/Nafziger)
4) "That Capybara Smells Like Vomit" (Groner/Nafziger)
Additional Notes:
"That Capybara..." was later ripped off by Nirvana. We're bitter.
----------------------
October 1987
"Squishy Can"
Widely hailed as their second release yet. The cover is the same as "Paddle"
only upside-down.
Track List:
1) "Squishy Can" (Spatch/Nafziger)
2) "DOODY DOODY DOODY" (Spatch/Heckman)
3) "Talking In Front Of My Back" (Nafziger)
----------------------
November 1987
"Put Down That B-Side"
B-Sides collection featuring the only one of the four songs written for the first record
that just wasn't good enough, as well as a special hidden bonus track that's harder
to find than Waldo.
Track List:
1) "MAKE.MONEY.FAST" (Rhodes)
2) "Blaaaaaaaah" (Uncertain)
----------------------
November 1987
"The Bacon Sandwiches Boxed Set"
A fourteen disc, $400 collection featuring most of the first EP and none of the second,
plus two previously unreleased recordings.
Track List:
Disc One
1) "What Thing?" (fifty-seven minute concert version)
Disc Two
1) See above
Discs Three through Ten
[No songs]
Disc Eleven
1) "Put Down That Ping-Pong Paddle"
2) "Three Full Minutes of Belching of Laughing" (Spatch/Nafziger/Wilson)
Disc Twelve
1) "You're Silly"
Disc Thirteen
1) "Playin' with the Bacon Sandwiches" (Heckman)
Disc Fourteen
1) "Theme from Disc Fourteen" (intrumental, composed by Heckman/Nafziger/Groner)
----------------------
January 1988
"The Bacon Sandwiches Rip Off Various Artists"
It's cool. Joe Bob says check it out.
Track List:
"Sandwich of Bacon" (Robert Plant, after a gallon of True Yeti of course... )
"Where the Sheets have no Stains" (Nafziger/Bono)
"The End Of The Meal As We Know It" (Nafziger/Buck/Stipe)
"Mr. Jones" (This is the one where The BS got ripped off!)
"Bacon Through" (Nafziger/Hallucination of Morrison)
Additional Notes:
After being ripped off once again by Counting Crows, the Sandwiches sued both CC and
Nirvana. They won their case, and CC was forced to title their next single "Einstein on the
Beach" -- a punishment that was blurted out by a True Yetized Kaj. Kurt Cobain never
forgave the band, and in his suicide note wrote: "While I love my wife and Frances dearly, I
can no longer take Spatch's constant mocking phone calls..."
----------------------
April 1988
"This?"
A special-edition single released to show what the Bacon Sandwiches had been doing
up until then.
Track List:
"This? (Live)" (Nilsson)
----------------------
July 1990
"Heckzapoppin'"
Five song CD sampler.
Track List:
1) "I Don't Think This Microphone Is Working" (Spatch/Nafziger)
2-6)The Blooper Reel - 45 minutes of your favorite Sandwiches walking into
nonfunctional turbolift doors.
7) "Big, Fat-Assed, Floating Cupcake" (Heckman/Keylime)
8) "Put Down That Ping-Pong Paddle (Stoopid Def Phat DJ BaKKKon ReMix)"
(Spatch/Nafziger/DJ BaKKKon)
9) "Heckzapoppin'" (Spatch/Nafziger)
----------------------
August 1993
"Put Down That Electricity"
Unplugged set which never aired on MTV.
Track List:
1) "DOODY DOODY DOODY"
2) "Put Down That Ping-Pong Paddle" (featuring a ping-pong paddle as the only
instrument)
3) "I Don't Think This Microphone Is Working"
4) "Blaaaaaaah" (Featuring the drummer from the Meat Puppets)
----------------------
UNRELEASED
"Demo for Demonstrating"
Demo tape.
Track List:
1) "Up Your Butt and Around the Corner" (Spatch/Smith/Nafziger)
2) "Qwik-N-Ez Grammar-Meter Flamage Guide" (Nilsson)
Additional Notes:
Available on the bootleg "No Bacon Messiah".
----------------------
UNRELEASED
"A Bacon Sandwiches End of Daylight Savings Time"
Long-lost seasonal album.
Track List:
1) "Fall Back" (Nafziger)
?????
Additional Notes:
We're not entirely sure about this album. It seems to have been created when everyone
involved was extremely wasted.
----------------------
October 1994
"The Bacon Sandwiches Watch Too Much TV"
Hastily assembled album full of old covers of TV themes. Released to ease the rising
tension of fans still waiting for the new album. Longest Sandwiches album to date.
Track List:
1) "Three's Company"
2) "Green Acres"
3) "Scooby Snack Mix" (new arrangement: Heckman/Nafziger)
4) "Love Boat"
5) "(I've Got Those) Hill Street Blues" (new lyrics: Spatch)
6) "Shaft"
7) "Josie & The Pussycats/Josie and the Pussycats in Outer Space"
8) "Quantum Leap"
9) "My Mother, The Car"
10) "Maude"
11) "Mystery Science Theater 3000"
12) "Sanford and Son"
"Batman" (Hidden, on track 97, after an hour and a half of complete silence)
----------------------
(In Production)
"Cum On Bite the Bacon Sandwiches" The upcoming album hot on the spleen
of their fall tour, rumored to be the biggest musical event of that particular
moment in time. Song list is unknown, but sources have indicated that fans
may get the long-awaited "bruce", the tune that has been called the greatest
rock song ever written. These sources were also noticably drunk.
Possible Track List:
"I LONGEST KNOWN PALINDROME KNOWN LONGEST I" (Smith)
"toaster" (Nafziger)
"Stick (Your Head) In A (Buck)et Of B(a)c(o)n" (Heckman/Nafziger)
"100 Bastards Gone" (Nafziger)
"Say, Mr Pigeon" (Spatch)
"Squishy Dream One" [Spoken Word] (Heckman)
"Spatula's Theme" (Smith, Noyes, Sondheim, (and Wills?))
Jason.
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I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than smashed all to pieces and shoved up my butt.
"And bacon." -- Jack Nicholson in "Wolf"
Jesper Nilsson // dat92jni@ludat.lth.se or jesper@df.lth.se