The following was intercepted by Noah and myself through the VisiNet mail service. Enjoy it here so you don't have to shell out good beer money for it in the stores!!! :From: mushmeyers.9RT@vinet.com (Standwick Mushmeyer) :Subject: Re: Where the HELL is your book??? :Date: 5 Nov 1994 02:08:01 GMT :Organization: VisiNet :Message-ID: <9RT.stmu.vinet.com> :All right, Peter. Here's the foreword. You're damn lucky I'm even doing this so :don't get pushy. : : :---begin foreword--- :All right Gentle Readers, here's another book. Let me say right off the bat :that I didn't want to write this book, but I had to toss off one more book to :fulfill my contractual obligations with Chavez-D'Allesio press before I moved :on to a real publishing house. I was originally going to ghost write the :autobiography of Norton Chia, the inventor of the Chia Pet. The book was going :to be called, or at least so his dictation suggested, "I'm. . .uh. . . Norton :Chia, You will Respect me!" The writing was going all right until he began :telling me about the time he was seduced by Tom Bosley. Justifiably skeptical :I called Mr. Bosley for verification. He not only categorically denied ever :meeting Mr. Chia, but he presented proof that he was on the set of "Happy Days" :during the weekend in question and not in a seedy bar in Tasmania a Mr. Chia :suggests. The whole book was beginning to smack of libel, so I jumped ship; :besides, I don't like to work with sickos. : Anyway, I grabbed to next project available, thinking I could write it :in a few weeks. It turned out to be this repulsive debacle you hold in your :hands. Unfortunately, writing the story of the incessantly stupid band The :Bacon Sandwiches didn't get me very far from sickos, but at least I needn't :worry about libel since nobody really cares what Jason, Steve, Spatch, Laura, :Ray, Kaj, Jesper and Noah think. I wanted to call the book "The Bacon :Sandwiches: The Story of a Band that Can Bite Me," but Peter Chavez- :D'Allesio wouldn't let me. He can bite me too. : Interestingly enough, and as loathsome as I find admitting it, The Bacon :Sandwiches (or B.S., as I like to call them) have a lot to do with success I :have enjoyed over the past several months, which is why I'm leaving :Chavez-D'Allesio Press, which is why I had to write this book. To quote :Thornton Wilder, "that's what you call a vicious circle." The irony is just :sickening. I am speaking, of course of the infamous episode of The Whack :Flapjack Show from last Spring. I was appearing on the show, against my :better judgment, to promote my book "I Hate Burritos" (now available in :paperback from Chavez-D'Allesio Press). Also appearing that night were child :star Macaulay Culkin and the Bacon Sandwiches as the alleged musical guest. :Culkin was late, so I went on first and Mr. Flapjack, that paragon of the :inanity of American culture in the 90's, decided that, since a "literary guest" :is always "boring" he would spice up the interview by having a clown come out :and taunt me at seemingly random intervals. So I was understandably angry by :the time B.S. came out to sing "DOODY DOODY DOODY" as the first stop on :their 1994 "Comeback Tour." After screaming "Doody!" into their microphones :for an inexorably long time, the band came over to engage in inane chatter with :Mr. Flapjack. Their washboard player, Spatch, who some people say looks like :me wouldn't leave me alone. I was now ready to drown my troubles in :drink, so I took a sip of Spatch's mug which was full of some concoction called :TRUE YETI. I can't remember anything after that, except that I woke up in a :dumpster on the OBS lot outside the set of Lifecall: The Series. After :watching videotapes I learned that I had threatened to shoot Mr. Flapjack with :my finger to revenge his treatment of me when I appeared on a game show he used :to host called Is it Red? The Clown pushed me down a laundry shoot and general :pandemonium broke out. When Culkin finally arrived (he had trouble finding the :lot and everyone whom he asked for directions had never heard of OBS), he was :"accidentally" decapitated by Kaj Groner, lead moaner of B.S. : The final result was oddly, and rather twistedly, positive for most of :the parties involved. Mr. Flapjack's ratings soared, due to the Ed-Ame's- :Tomahawk-like-nature of the incident. My books have been selling like hotcakes :since then and I've been booked on every major talk show in the nation, :including, unfortunately, Mr. Flapjack's show, once a month through 1997. This :isn't how I wanted to become famous, but I guess it will do for now. Young Mr. :Culkin received a great deal of sympathy for his situation and became the first :person ever to receive the now-common head-reattachment surgery. As I write :this, his latest film, Home Alone 5: Lost up your Butt, is number one at the :box office. The only people to come off badly >from the incident were the Bacon :Sandwiches themselves. Though they did not face criminal charges (harming the :star of a John Hughes movie is only a misdemeanor in most states), B.S. :received a great deal of negative press as "The band that hurt Kevin," and the :release of their latest album was delayed once again. I know that no press is :bad press as long as they spell your name right, but more than half of the :articles written on the subject referred to the group as either "The Doody :Heads" or "Spatch and the Spatchulettes." None the less, the group remembers :the evening fondly and their pots and pans player, who didn't appear on the :show, has taken to calling himself "Flapjack." : Anyway, here's my book on The Bacon Sandwiches. If you enjoy it, you're :not somebody I'd like to meet. : : Standwick Mushmeyer : 11/2/94 : :---end foreword--- : : :You'll the rest whenever I finish it. Believe me, I want to be done with this :as much as you want it done. : : : :Bite me, : :Standwick Mushmeyer : : :
Jesper Nilsson // dat92jni@ludat.lth.se or jesper@df.lth.se