From: gmoriart@vivaldi.helios.nd.edu (Keylime)

Subject: Attention Illinois Nazis

Date: 10 Feb 1995 19:50:55 GMT

People keep asking me, "Keylime, how can I improve the quality of my
posts? What does it take to succeed in this newsfroup? What can I do to
make an indelible mark for future generations of stupidians?" Well I do
not know what the word indelible means but I did draw up some
suggestions which might be of great service to everyone.  Print this
out and carry it around with you wherever you go.

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			     POCKET SURVIVAL GUIDE
			       TO ALT.STUPIDITY

1. Always keep in mind that the people who read this group are STUPID.
   Do not tease them with large words or throw mathematical equations
   at them. They WILL bite if provoked.

2. If you bring any bacon with you, make sure you have enough to share
   with the entire class.

3. Do not post anything longer than three lines. Stupidians show a marked
   decrease in attention after two sentences (see Fig. 2-4).


       100%  |
    A        |
    t        |                     Fig. 2-4
    t   75%  |
    e        |
    n        |     _
    t   50%  |____/ \
    i        |       \
    o        |        \
    n   25%  |         \
             |          \__________
             |_____________________\________
               One  Too  Three  Four\  Five
                                     \
                        Sentences     |
                                      |
                                      |
4. Spread your investments out. Second|rate IRAs can provide immediate
   returns, but mutual grade bonds wil|provide you with reasonable security
   from income loss. See your personal|finances advisor for details.
                                      |
5. It is best to intersperse the words|"colostomy" and "mycophile" in
   all your posts. This never fails in|procuring a few kicks and giggles
   from the kiddies.                  |
                                      |
6. If you don't know shit from shinola|PLEASE refrain from making guesses
   as to Vikram's age or geographical |ocation. In truth, he is a middle
   aged rodent inhibiting the innercoastal waterways of Australia's eastern
   shores.                            |
                                      |
7. Walrii are dangerous objects.  Hand|e them with care. Always pull from
   the front, DO NOT push from behind.|Sudden movements will cause them to
   topple over on you resulting in ser|ous injury and even death.
                                      |
8. We do not swim in your toilet, so p|ease don't pee in our newsfroup.
                                      |
9. Always remember that the purpose of|this newsfroup is fun! Enjoy
   your elves. Groom them daily.      |
                                      |
10. Yummy.                            |
                                      \    __
                                       \__ \ \  wacka wacka
                                           /_/

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