In response to a request for cante jondo lyrics, a merry prankster wrote: : I feel that to be really melancholy, you have to HINT at the situation : that makes you blue and makes you do that How How How like John Lee. : Simply saying that your wife left you for another man and your dog : ran away and you're broke and miserble and your truck has a flat in : Spanish won't cut it. You need SUBTLE angst, the angst that comes : from centuries of oppression and worshipping large scary gods who : want to carve your genitals from your body (in some cases...anyone : know any cheery Mayas? Or ANY MAyas, for that matter? *chuckle*). You : need the angst that comes from living in a country so hot that : everyone feels wrung out like a dishrag by noon and must faint : quietly for an hour or so to survive. These are strong people to : survive their environment! You must reflect this. My Spanish (well, : Basque) and Mexican co-workers used to be hilariously funny. I miss : them! : Without further ado, non-PC Spanish angst for the requestor: : 1) Yo no sabia que la tela meta'lica teni'a tantos usos--?Cua'ndo se : fueron los frenos? : 2) Su cochinito es ma's lindo, sen~orita, pero se me ha cagado en las : piernas. : 3) No me siento bien, por favor pre'steme su sombrero. : 4) O poderoso Zapoletoltecoaxacoatlototoc, Dios de la Aviacio'n, : Langostas y Equipaje Perdido, por favor a regre'same mi elegante maleta : Gucci que fue a parar a Guadalajara o Guadalupe. Y si pudieras darme un : minuto de tu valioso tiempo, O Infelicidad Reptilia y Alada, por favor : castiga severamente a todo cruel e inepto malatero. : 5) ?Cua'l es el problema, oficial? En realidad, el sema'foro estaba en verde. : !NO! !No, yo no lo estoy llamando mentiroso. ?Tienen que estar tan : apretadas las esposas? : 6) Entiendo que este edificio tiene cuatrocientos an~os. Pero preferiri'a : una habatacio'n sin alacranes. : 7) Si, sen~ora, e'se un lindo serape de lana. El motivo con el burro es : interesante. Pero hace treinta y cinco grados aqui' en la playa. No : necesito cuatro kilos de tela de lana hoy. ?Tiene cerveza fri'a? : 8) ?Que' yace immovi'l dentro del mole? ?Que' emana de las profundidades del : chile relleno? : 9) Las ampollas se curara'n pronto. : 10) !Ojala' que enormes armadillos copulen en sus intestinos! : 11) Estimado General, siento haber hablado de poli'tica y del taman~o de su : esposa. Admiro el gobierno militar y mujeres de 140 kilos. En realidad, mi : propia asposa querida es una dictadora y orangu'tan. Gracias por cancelar : el escuadro'n de fusilamiento. : 12) Por favor, saque esas maracas de mi cara. : Translations: : 1) I never knew chicken wire had so many uses--when did the brakes go out? : 2) Your piglet is the prettiest, miss, but it has had a BM in my lap. : 3) I don't feel well, please lend me your hat. : 4) O mighty (long annoying name here), God of Flight, Locusts and Lost : Luggage, please return to me my handsome Gucci bag that went to : Guadalahara or Guadalupe. And if you can spare a moment in your busy : schedule, O Winged Reptilian Unhappiness, please firmly smite all cruel : and inept baggage handlers. : 5) What's the prob, officer? The light was quite green, actually. No, No. : I am not calling ou a liar. Do the handcuffs have to be so tight? : 6) I understand that this building is 400 years old. But I'd prefer a : room without scorpions. : 7) Yes, madam, that is a lovely wool serape. The burro motif is : appealing. But it is 95 degrees here on the beach. I do not need 10 : pounds of wool today. Have you any cold beer? : 8) What lies motionless under the spicy chocolate sauce? What oozes from : the depths of the stuffed pepper? : 9) The blisters will heal soon. : 10) May large armadillos copulate in his colon! : 11) Dear General, I'm sorry I mentioned politics and your wife's : enormity. I admire military rule and 300 pound women. Actually, my own : dear wife is a dictator and an orangutan. Thanks for cancelling the death : squad. : 12) Please get your maracas out of my face. : Miss M -- ############################################################ # Do not hold to dualistic thinking and the juggling of # # relative concepts. Maintain an integrated perspective; # # duality leads only to pain and weakness. --Ni, Hua Ching # ############################################################ mmccall@emory.edu
Jesper Nilsson // dat92jni@ludat.lth.se or jesper@df.lth.se