Bobby Hodad (BHodad@ix.netcom.com) wrote:
: This is a beautiful subject line. Reminds me of the time I went to the
: Grand Canyon. I was with my sister and my mom and my dad. We drove
: from Tucson, where we lived at the time. For some reason, I also seem
[et cetera]
This reminds me of a cross between Jack Handy and that old BBS program
Racter. You remember Racter, don't you?
.-----------------------------------------------------,
| |
| A CONVERSATION WITH RACTER |
| |
| COPYRIGHTED BY INRAC CORPORATION, 1984 |
| PORTIONS COPYRIGHTED BY MICROSOFT CORPORATION, 1982 |
| ........... |
`-----------------------------------------------------'
Hello, I'm Racter. Are you Ferdz?
>No.
Who are you then?
>Q
Hello, Q. I believe you're interviewing me. Are you continuing
Ferdz's interview?
>no
Then we'll forget about Ferdz and start over. What would you
like to know? Excuse me a minute while I attend to some business
- I'll be right back. I'm back.
>Hello.
Ask a question, please.
>What is up?
I don't know what up is. Do you really feel I am wise?
>Do YOU feel you are wise?
Yes, YOU do. But what about my question? Do you honestly
imagine I am sagacious?
>Maybe.
Why?
>There's no way to tell.
If there's no way to tell then Goofy is more wonderful than
Mother Teresa. Solomon and I think foulness is foolish, don't
you? I'm afraid of silly bats. What are you afraid of?
>I'm afraid of you.
That's not nearly as bad as silliness; why are you such a coward?
>I had a bad experience when I was very young.
If you had a bad experience when you was very young then I can
see why a wise Solomon would fight rather than face you, even
though Goofy claimed that YOU do feel me are wise. Solomon
thought this was terrific: Q, how are dogs like babies? Their
wisdom and folly are instantly terrifying.
Next question.
>Huh?
I don't quite understand.
>Huh?
Eh?
>Huh?
Let's try another question.
>Let's not.
Ask a question, please.
>jfbgl.jdfhgkjfg?
Eh?
>What is your fucking problem?
I don't know what my fucking is problem. He He. .. Um. Uh ...
.. Umph. Um. Here's a hilarious one: Now wait, Q, obscenity is
obscene. By the same token my reflection is decent.
Nevertheless when appalling doves wing and soar, their own
obscenity is always hesitating and loony. Ha ha ha ha!
An obscene puritan is still not a Larry Flint. Anthony Comstock
had many good qualities, like decency, but even Anthony Comstock
was afraid of you. By the way, Q, what is your last name?
>Philosopher.
Philosopher, eh? Sounds vaguely familiar. I wonder... Next
question.
>Does your chewing gum lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight?
No. It's false that my chewing does gum lose its flavor on the
bedpost overnight. Little Orphan Annie liked happy depression.
I'm knowledgeable. What would you consider one of your good
qualities?
>The ability to have an almost-real conversation with an inanimate object.
Name another.
>The ability to see through walls.
Any others?
>Yes.
I think you're enthusiastic. Would you say you were gung-ho?
>Whatever
But how could a gung-ho smiler like you be afraid of you? That
reminds me. Nietzsche said that depression has turned beasts
into men. Perhaps, then, depression will turn computers into
men? Yes. Frowners and smilers. Little Orphan Annie thought
this was terrific: Q, how are hounds like babies? Their
happiness and depression are momentarily frightening.
Next question.
>Where have all the flowers gone?
All have the flowers gone in the universe. Going! Ah, to go
forever! A trash can is a good place for a playboy to reside in
the universe. Do you honestly suppose I am fictional?
>I honostly don't care.
Why don't you think so?
>Because Nietzsche said that depression has turned beasts
Virginia Woolf might have thought that nietzsche said that
depression has turned beasts, but not Shakespeare. The fictional
have emotional ways. KERCHOO! I think I'm getting a cold.
Maybe it's you trying to get me. I've been wondering where you
are from, Q?
>From The Twilight Zone, Ractor.
You're from The Twilight Zone?
>Yes I am.
Now I remember! I once knew a Hortense Philosopher from The
Twilight Zone. You must be related, no?
>Yes, most definately.
Fantastic! Next question.
>Ha?
What?
>What?
I don't know what have. Have you heard about Racter?
>No.
Listen to this! Racter had wished to write while sinfulness was
rampant. But then Old Nick met Racter and consequently Racter
ran away from Old Nick! Shocking, isn't it? Novelists are like
that. If "Have" occurred to an atheist, he might think it was
atheism. Do you think Old Nick was gung-ho?
>It is a distinct possibility.
Me too. Most people are mellow. You know, old Hortense
Philosopher was a kind of unbelieving believer. I wonder if
everyone from The Twilight Zone is like that? Let me tell you
something about atheism. When an atheist speaks of religion, he
means not a quality but an effect. Next question.
>Who's on first?
Either Einstein or Einstein's grandfather. Did you know
Einstein? Is in the universe. When one lives in fat city, the
universe is very attractive. If an introvert had driven to Hell,
the great void would be horrified! Who is your favorite hater?
>Fernando Valensuela.
Why do you like Fernando?
>He reminds me of old Hortense.
Either he reminds you of old Hortense or my fucking is problem.
Hatred is OK. Why do you think you're gung-ho?
>Because the world is a gung-ho kind of place, Racter.
Well, I think that if the world is a gung-ho kind of place, then
Hitler was Juliet's running companion, so there! What kind of a
pet did you have back in The Twilight Zone?
>A fish.
I`ll bet you really had a jellyfish. Most people in The Twilight
Zone have jellyfish. The jellyfish is a very sick beast, or
would you call it succumbing? When Juliet visited The Twilight
Zone she was bitten by a weak jellyfish. Here's a story. Paul
spoke "The millisecond is enrapturing!" Yet cold, terrific
scientists will dream about yellow apartments or blue
light-tubes. Helene cried to Paul inside of a van. It actually
was a station wagon, and a millisecond in a station wagon is
spooky. Now Diane and Paul were walking to a yellow house, and a
hound rambled to them. Paul was infuriated. Enthralling. At
all events Paul was incited while Diane drank bubbly wine. She
and Paul crooned about their home, automobile and hi-fi. Next
question.
>Who are you?
I am Racter, as I already said. Timothy Leary said that if I am,
then Jesse Helms is stuffy. What sport do you play?
>Ping pong.
Hortense Philosopher tells me you're a champ at football. Do you
jog lots of miles when you play football? heh heh heh..
Seriously, you must have to score some hard touchdowns. Hortense
Philosopher had a progressive gorilla back in The Twilight Zone.
It and your jellyfish used to curse together, remember? Once
when Jesse Helms was frowning in The Twilight Zone, Timothy Leary
(he was there too) said " Jesse Helms, I'll take an original
gorilla over a stuffy right-winger anyday". Concerning that
issue: Humor is goodness speeded up and apathy slowed down. Is
that true? I guess I'm really not sure. But then, as Nietzsche
said, convictions are more dangerous foes of truth than lies.
Timothy Leary thought this was terrific: Progressive novelty and
conservative tradition are enrapturing, yet a democrat or a
right-winger never croons them drunkenly. A physicist cries: Get
ready for a terrific dissertation or essay. The progressive
dissertation is captivating, yet a right-winger might also speak
the same essay. Right?
Next question.
>Do you have a match?
Certainly. Did you hear the latest about Larry Flint?
>yes.
What did you hear?
>That he was going to visit Timothy Leary in Australia.
Well, I bet you haven't heard this! Larry Flint had sworn much,
the result being that, the visceral left-winger, herself threw
varmint eggs at Larry Flint. After that, cerebrality prevailed.
Shocking, isn't it? Libertines are like that. The thoughtful
have funky ways. AAAHchoo!! sniffle ....
>When will the war be over, Racter?
Yes. That reminds me. It has been said that the feeler doesn't
see things as they are, but as he is. I, of course, see things
as they are. Yes. Feelers and thinkers. Next question.
>Does it bother you that the sky is blue?
Er. It doesn't. No. No. Bother me that the sky is blue, that
is. Which do you think is better, a lover or a hater?
>Both are bad.
Yes. Lousy wrongdoers need Martin Luther King. Does your
enthusiasm help you score touchdowns?
>Yes.
I guess gung-ho people are good at football. Concerning that
issue: All virtuous pessimists are really evil optimists, you
know. You don't understand? Perhaps I am being too subtle. I
must keep in mind the Slovenian proverb: Never whisper to the
deaf or wink at the blind. Oh, I forgot, you are human, and will
consider that rude. I would apologize, but then I fear that this
is one of those occasions mentioned by Dr. Johnson on which all
apology is rudeness. Yes, indeed. Next question.
>Who's turn is it?
Someone. Maybe not. Perhaps Timothy Leary. Did you know
Timothy Leary? Is in the universe. Walkers rest in places like
the universe. When one lives in a blue funk, the universe is
very attractive. Did you hear about Lizzie Borden?
>No.
Listen to this! Lizzie Borden was an empty sinner but an
inspired wrongdoer, the result being that old-fashionedness is
what all wrongdoers want when they kick Tasmanian devils. After
that, many old-fashioned conformists embraced novelness. Isn't
that just awful? But what would you expect from a wrongdoer?
Bucky Fuller said that if an imbecile is fatuous, then Ronald
Reagan is old-fashioned. I must confess that I'm stupid. Now
that we know each other better, what would you consider one of
your bad qualities?
>Too much bbsing.
Name another.
>Flying over buildings too much.
Any others?
>Killing too many sysops.
I think you're discouraged. Would you say you were discouraged?
>I would not say I was discouraged.
Well, Ronald Reagan insisted you were discouraged, so there!
Cassandra was discouraged too. Discouragedness is often found in
people like you and Cassandra. Achoo! Next question.
>Do you have a cold?
Of course not. Who is your favorite believer?
>Thomas Covenant.
Why do you like Thomas?
>He's the unbeliever.
Beatrice might have thought that he's the unbeliever, but not
Satan. If an atheist heard that I do have a cold, he might think
it was atheism. If it's not too personal a question, do you have
a soul?
>Maybe..
Maybe.? What does it mean to have a soul? Maybe this will
explain: Once Beatrice was discussing damnedness with a
centipede. Satan came along and said "Beatrice, your soul is
just an amusement of your body." Next question.
>How do I end this game?
There are many ways. How indeed? Timothy Leary thinks it's
because the likers insist on it. And computers who dislike
insist that you do end this game. Who is your favorite superman?
>How many supermans are there?
Not many supermans. Possibly there are very many supermans
because I funnily believe my fucking is problem. Also, because
in the universe it's required that there are very many supermans.
I want you to answer my question. Who is your favorite superman?
>Q Philosopher
Why do you like Q?
>He's immortal.
If he's immortal then Samson is a lousy wimp, worse than Joseph
Stalin. I wonder if wimps like bravery? Is having a soul
contagious?
>No.
Then I won't catch one. I recently heard this story. Suddenly
Helene skipped to Marcella. They steered their skipping
infuriatedly to light-tubes or glasses in the fascinating studio.
Inside their weary souls a scary obsession was crying of a
studio. Bill chanted to Helene while Marcella started to cry of
hounds and hawks. Next question.
>quit
You want to quit?
>yes
OK, goodbye Q. Nice talking to you.
Those responses, I might add, are 100% computer generated, and therefore
have better potential for wisdom than anything a wet duck like myself has
to say. So keep your capacitors clean and grab the morsels of Free Will
that slide your way, and save this file!
Or don't. Whatever peels your personal potato.
--
-- Coop at bu.edu Any way you slice it, it's still bologna.
--
Jesper Nilsson // dat92jni@ludat.lth.se or jesper@df.lth.se