Steve Heckman (heckman@oomph.BBN.Com) wrote:
:->elibalin@gwis2.circ.gwu.edu (Eli Balin) writes:
:-> In article <CxtL2x.MFz@murdoch.acc.Virginia.EDU>,
:-> St. Polycarp <mrl6a@uvacs.cs.Virginia.EDU> wrote:
:-> >shacker@cc.brynmawr.edu (Sarah Hacker <PaiX>) writes:
:-> >> I am the president.
:-> >I AM THE POPE.
:-> I am the Sardaukar Emperor Shaddam III.
:->I am vehement sack.
I am the LORD thy God and I give you these Ten Commandments:
1 I am He that brought you out of Egypt (like in the movie), You shall
not returneth to Egypt, nor shall you think that the Pyramids are
"cool," "nifty," or "symbolic." That would be putting other gods
before Me, and claiming that they are better architects, which is a
sore spot and, hence, right out.
2 You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vein. Drugs are
fine, but mainlining ANYTHING is a bad scene.
3 You shall keep the Sabbath day holy, as well as Columbus Day, and My
Kid's birthday. Make sure to look for the bargains for this last one,
though, but don't let it stop you from spending. Remember: The more
thou spendest, the holier thou art.
4 Honor they father and thy mother, even if thy father molests thee. For
abortions shall not be legal, so thou art stuck with thy affliction...
naneenaneebooboo.
5 You shall not murder, except in the name of Me, My Kid or the Pope or
any diocese, or to convert heathens, or to defend democracy or to hunt
queers, women, commies or sissies.
6 You shall not commit adultery. This applies only to married women. Sex
is a bad thing as it promotes fun, which is right out, and must be
stopped. I put all this nerves in thy sexual regions to fulfill My quota
(damn union labor laws), but that doesn't mean you can use them just for
the sake of pleasure, which is unholy and against Me. Why this is, I
dont know, but I dont need to, being God. Someone get these bugs offa Me!
7 Thou shalt not steal, unless thou art the Pope, any diocese or government
leader, or really wealthy, or if thou canst somehow work it in to the
state or national charter.
8 Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor, unless thy
neighbor is a commie, heathen or queer, which I despiseth, or unless
thou art a Good Christian(tm), in which case thou canst do anything, so
long as thou sayest that it is in My name (which thou wilt anyway).
9 Go ahead and covet.
10 Thou shalt not think. Thought is bad and may lead to Questioning, which
is a mortal sin. Go to sleep. Feel comfortable in thy confusion and
kill anyone who questions thou.
(k)opyright 1994, Whimsical Prophecies Inc. A Division of Zang(tm). The
above is excerpted from the Book of Inconveniences, as revealed by God to
his wholly holy servant, Rev. Zoweee Wow, KSC. FNORD!
--
________
-Reverend Father Zoweee Wow, KSC--------------------------|____ /------
| Zoweee@Zang.kcc.Hawaii.Edu / / (tm)|
| -Grand Epopt, Church of "BOB" Dobbs of Latter Day Smites. / / |
| -CEO in charge of Human Sacrifice, ZANG Industries, Inc. / /\ |\ |/~ |
| -Pope of This Part Here, Eris for Empress Society. / /--\| \|\/~|
----------------------------------------------------------/________|-----
| Soon To Be Captain Reverend Father Zoweee Wow, KSC, DGC; Scourge of the |
| 7 Seas; master of the F.B.S. Watery Angst; Freeman of the tribe of |
| Waterlogged Erisians; All Around Scurvvy Sea Dog! Avast Ye Scum!!! |
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jesper Nilsson // dat92jni@ludat.lth.se or jesper@df.lth.se